Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Rodney King must have been joking when he asked this famous question. He knew that for some people there's an almost hardwired mindset permanently positioning certain people of this world against certain others. Now to be fair, in the spirit of the riots that spurred on his much-televised query there are those that start it and others that opportunistically join in.

It seems that in my case, though I try to be amicable to all, for some reason I grate the raw pussies of lesbians the wrong way. Maybe it's my use of phrases like "raw pussies?" But maybe not. I don't have to utter one word and before long some dyke is giving me the death stare.

The LGBTQ community espouses equality and in the context of many LGBTQ events and venues, one can see there is a certain civility among our diverse peoples, if not full-out unity. But in my experience, get a lesbian alone in a room with you and if you say the sky is blue, you are dead wrong mister! And how dare you try to shove your chauvinistic "atmosphere color propaganda" down my throat?! Who the fuck do you think you are?!

My usual hyperbole, you say? Surely they're not that maniacally anti-Michael. Well, I think so. And it seems it's only me. Other men, straight or gay don't seem to get the same treatment. They reserve it just for little ole' me.

The chick I work with, Kym, she's a powder keg begging to be tipped every freakin' night I work with her. It's only by my well-honed diplomatic skills that we've avoided outright physical altercation. What's more, the dumb dyke is all of 98 pounds soaking wet. I'd literally kill the kid.

Remember June and the troubles I had with her at work? This new kid is like a skinny, fugly, nerdy version of her. But June caused me quite a few nights of angst herself in the day. Threatening to key my car and slash my tires. And she was stocky and butch. She was short and weighed less than me but she probably could have kicked my ass nevertheless. Through sheer fury.

My sister, and her wife, hate me. They have ever since the 90s when I stiffed my sister for $350. Hey, I'm not proud of it, but I was practically homeless in late '97 and it literally took years before I got on my feet properly. Last week she makes a rare comment to a profile pic I placed on my Facebook page. "What happened to your hair? LOL" Ha Ha. Funny as fuck. Well at least I was civil enough to refrain from commenting when she posted her current profile pic showing her looking like a 60-year-old fucked-up crack whore. Bitch!

But much of this is tongue-in-cheek of course. I do try to have open and positive relations with everyone, regardless of their machinations. But I'm sorry, I will call you out if you think your way is better than mine and I know it's not. It's just the way I am. Why can't lesbians acknowledge that they can rule over and oppress other men? I'm not against them. I'm all for it. Men are assholes and need to be kicked around.

Just don't you think for one second I'm going to be one of them.

Friday, April 25, 2014

Armies Of Absolom

O Sweet Absolom, you've amassed your forces in rebellion once again. Again I must retire to my inward sanctuary away from all, even those at work. Two days out "sick" but really, depleted. I have to yet again recharge.

Well, the encouraging news is, looking back at the last time you rose up, how I re-vamped my own troops then and replenished them with the thousands of Enslaved Memories, and like the Khaleesi of the Dothraki, set my fierce dragons upon thee.

Alas, this time my reptilian firebreathers have abandoned me. Perhaps if I call out to them, they'll hear my cries from afar and race to my rescue?

"Caw! Caw!" I scream. But in return, nothing but the rasp of the dark and ominous wind.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Will's Willpower

The "good" ole days?
So I've mentioned it before on this blog that I fixate on a few YouTube vlogs and watch them on a daily basis. Kinda like when as a kid I would watch some TV shows religiously. Like then, it's just habit now.

One of my favs is a vlog depicting the everyday life of a gay couple in their mid-twenties. They started out in Tallahassee and now live in LA. ( Like Laverne and Shirley when they started out in Milwaukee and moved to LA...but they weren't a gay couple...or so we're led to believe...wink, wink)

Will and RJ seem to try to portray themselves in a matter-of-fact light. They like many gay people these days don't necessarily ascribe to perceived labels, they are just themselves. Now don't get me wrong, they don't eschew the term "gay" and are not shy about being labeled as such, it's just they define their relationship more from the standpoint of something normal and not even to be considered unusual. Kinda like if two straight friends were together you wouldn't say "Oh, they're a man and a woman in a straight relationship." See the difference there? Their relationship wouldn't be defined by their sexuality, it would just be understood.

While I fully get it and applaud their strive for inclusion, I also put this in the same context in that of a person of color feeling degraded by a white person if the white person said something like "Hey what's the name of that black guy in that movie?" In both the gay and black communities there can be too many "thought police" frankly that get all riled up over nothing.

Gay or black, fact of the matter is, we're minority status. By the very nature of being in the minority of the whole population, well take the United States as an example here, we're going to be "labeled" and singled-out as exclusive since we are not the majority. Simple as that. I don't think anything negative about it at all.

But as usual, I digress once again. I really wanted to point out a particular subject in Will and RJ's vlogs that's rarely discussed (on camera) but I know it must be a real struggle for them both. Will has "come out" if you will, as a person who recognizes they have a problem when drinking alcohol. Very much in vein with who they are, neither of them have put a label on this. Never have they used the term "alcoholic" or "problem drinker" they've just made almost matter-of-fact mention of it here and there, albeit the first time they spoke about it, it sounded like a coming-out speech.

And I use "they" as if they are both struggling with some form of alcohol dependency but it's been only mentioned that it's Will who has issue with his own drinking and, one has to assume, the negative consequences of his drinking. They've not said boo about RJ's drinking and whether or not he feels he too has an issue with it. Nor does RJ seem entirely sympathetic by his deeds to Will's dilemma. RJ drinks and parties heartily with their 20-something "I'm gonna live forever!" gay hipster friends with Will right there, drinking his ice water.

It's not for me to say if this will put a strain on their relationship. In fact, in the daily vlogs, they seem like life is going along quite swimmingly. But like Joan Rivers would say "Can we taaalk here?!" Even if it's first stage problem drinking, Will HAS to be feeling the stresses when RJ and their friends drink.

I remember back in the early nineties when I abstained while going out, people would be well meaning enough but they'd all be like "Let me buy you a drink." or "How come you're not drinking?" said with a look of concern like as if to say what's wrong with you? Maybe the culture is different now. And especially a hip Hollywood crowd, young or not, I'm sure they know their share of addicts.

Will has the willpower of a god to stand up to these pressures not to mention the persisting issues which likely brought him to drink too much in the first place...back home are his fucked up father and the never-talked-about brother. In LA, the gay-hipster-look pressures (what to weigh, what to eat, what to wear, who to hang out with, etc.) And RJ's co-dependency pressures. I don't see RJ as wanting to live with a recovering alcoholic. Do we see him supporting Will by also abstaining? And from the looks of him on some of the videos with him "turnt" to stupification and at the point of near passing out...maybe he should look into it for his own health as well. Just sayin'.

But I digress yet again. Who knows what really goes on behind closed doors, and shuttered camera lenses? I just wish Will would be a bit more telling in his vlogs about his alcohol related struggles and how he deals so effectively with them. I for one would like to know. As someone who tried doing what he did at his age but ultimately failed, if judging by my hangover today and yet another bottle of beer sitting beside me as my one and only friend, I hope the best for him.

*Tips bottle toward monitor in salute, then sucks the remains from the bottle. Hiccup. Burp.

EDIT: Coincidentally, Will and RJ's video they shot for the day I wrote this post featured them talking about this very issue. Will admits it's tough but he's persevering and RJ says he's stopped drinking too. Well congrats guys, like I said, it's far better to nip this when you're young. You're on the right path! Good luck and best wishes to you both!

Saturday, April 12, 2014

One Year Later

Using, I started recording my calorie counts, exercise and daily weight on April 12, 2013. My starting weight was 305. My first day's meals were the following: Salad. Turkey chili with beans, a Nutri-Grain bar, a small apple and a tablespoon of peanut butter for a total of 760 calories.

You can read about my journey over the course of the past year in the "If I Could Turn Back Time" posts.

As you can see by the time winter came around, the effectiveness of the diet pills I'd been taking and my commitment to reducing beer drinking were both waning fast. I regained most of the weight lost.

I knew going-in that the odds were against long-term success. Fatalistic thinking you say? I say realistic. But I also don't count out my pig-headed determination. I will try again. And again. And again.

Unlike a Sisyfusian struggle where one has to start again all the way back at Square One, at least I've maintained some of the benefits of my endeavors. I'm stable in the upper 280's/lower 290's and if I could make another push only half as successful as that first 30 days a year ago, I'd be about the same weight, roughly 275, that I was then.

Can I do it without Phen though? Should I try to go back on it? I may have been off it long enough for my body to be sensitive to it least for a while. How can I give up beer? This has been a multi-decade struggle in which I have no enduring wins frankly, just a long string of losses. Exercise? I still find it inconvenient, messy and hard work. It's fun under optimal circumstances but sitting on my ass in front of a computer is more fun and much easier.

But this thing with John Pinette's death (as I posted earlier about) is sticking in my subconscious craw. I bet he too thought he'd work towards getting fitter soon, but that "soon" kept getting put off. Maybe he was planning to start it the morning he was discovered.

We always think we'll have tomorrow. Until we don't.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

Birthday Doodle

I don't remember Google doing this before but here's what I saw when I went to my homepage (which has been vanilla Google since the demise of iGoogle).

I chuckled and thought, "Oh how appropriate, a birthday doodle on my birthday." thinking it was commemorating some famous person's birthday or something. No, it was in fact for me. Clicking it gets you to my Google+ profile page.

So now the world will be able to get to know me since this doodle is for all iterations of Google on every computer and mobile device in the world, right? Er, no, of course. It's just for my IP addresses. Oh well, one can dream...I'll be expecting a few billion email happy birthday wishes any second now...

Monday, April 07, 2014

He's Left The Chinese Buffet...

One of my favorite bits of any stand-up comedy routine was John Pinette's Chinese Buffet jokes. I don't know why really but it just clicked with me. I guess 'cause he had a way of really being able to dig deep inside, bring up a painful aspect in the symptoms of morbid obesity and expose it for all to see and hear...and laugh at.

It's a real thing that a fat man at a sumptuously laid out Chinese buffet WOULD like to stay for hours to sample as many succulent dishes as possible. It's embarrassingly true. And yes, we DO get "the look" if not the outright verbal directives from the restaurant personnel that we've overstayed our welcome almost the second we walk in the door.

"YOU GO NOW! You been here FOUR HOUR!" screamed high-pitched in a borderline-racist fake Chinese-accented rant has been, and will always be, my favorite quote from John's brilliant bits.

Yes, yes, every fat comedian does the "fat guy jokes" but John did them best. As he got into his over-the-top delivery, every flab of his double, nay nay, triple chin wiggled wildly, sweat poured from his brow under the hot lights of the stage and the sheer physical stress of a jerky animated performance by a markedly massive body. He gave each show his all. His painful, embarrassing all...for the sake of entertainment.

Unfortunately, the jokes have ended as he was found dead in his hotel room this afternoon. Morbidity is, after all, the key component in the disease of morbid obesity. John was 50. In two days, I'll be 50.

I think I too will put down my fork (yes, nay nay chopsticks...can't shovel it in with chopsticks) and walk away from the buffet. Before Old Man Death forces me out.

Surprisingly Drama Free

Well this weekend at Universal was quite drama free after all. Although this kid Christian seems like the type who likes to get into it if he can. And if shit isn't going down when he's on the scene, he's also the type who likes to start it up.

I could tell the second I heard his voice on the phone that this guy was gonna be a handful. Within mere seconds he was dispensing with niceties, telling me what to do, ordering Ric around in the background and pretty much flat-out admitting he was a control queen. But since he's cute as a button, all these transgressions can be forgiven. It's eerily like looking though a time tunnel and seeing myself at his age.

Oh, and BTW, what is his age? 21. That's right, Ric at the age of 51 is dating a twenty-one year-old boy. Scott's already posted a biting Facebook comment chastising Ric on his cradle-robbing. I personally have absolutely no problem with it. If I could get 'em that young (or even younger) I'd fucking do it too.

Other than Christian's smarmy smart-ass 'tude and cock-sure swagger (which makes him hotter IMHO) he was a sharp lil' whipper snapper and passed my intelligence testing with flying colors. Of course like everyone his age, I fear, he resoundingly failed in my History quizzes but of course was spot-on in Pop Culture, Civics, Technology, Art and Design, Psychology and Homo Culture. In Ethics and Finance his lack of experiences really shows since I think he has naive views in both fields, to the impending detriment, no doubt, of his machinations regrading his potential relationship with Ric.

I think, despite his protestations otherwise, he wants Ric to be his Sugar Daddy. Or should I say, wanted...past tense, since I think this weekend revealed a couple of truisms to him about Ric. First, Ric doesn't have Sugar Daddy money and second, even if he did, Christian would only be a benefactor of it if he relinquished his dominance in deference to Ric. That'll never happen. Not this kid.

We went to Hooter's on Kirkman for lunch on Saturday. I would have assumed Ric had the sole inclination of the three of us to go there since he loves their wings but Christian agreed to that choice too. It appears he digs the looks of the servers there. Yup. Another twenties-something bisexual. Oh brother.

Once at the park we started out by making the oh-so-familiar clockwise circuit of the "islands" at IOA after, of course, our obligatory beeline dash from the entrance to the Confisco Backwater Bar. As I suspected, I tested my post-Winter weight-regained ass in the sample seat outside the Hulk and I couldn't fit, even in the double-buckled wider seats. How sad...again. They went on Doctor Doom. I probably would fit on that but as usual I was too chicken to even try. Not a fan of the tower drop style rides at all.

We then went on to Spidy, Dudly, Jurassic and Forbidden Journey which I did comfortably fit on (so I haven't gone back to this girth, whew!) Might have been able to do wide seats on Dueling Dragons but we skipped it for some reason. Don't remember why since I was pretty buzzed by this point. I think we hit up almost every beer serving kiosk in each of the islands. Oh, like always except last year, no dizziness or nausea on any rides. Must have been that phen.

After the Poseidon show made our way over to Nascar Cafe for dinner despite my warnings that the food's gone downhill. But they liked their selections and I chose fish and chips which, since I'm sure it's all just pre-frozen, can't be fucked up. It was okay. The fries actually did taste a bit better. Maybe new management back there?

Was after 8:00 when we entered the original park for Mardi Gras and unbeknownst to us, the parade was already over. One of us should have checked out times for that. I squeezed myself (just barely) onto the Hollywood Rip Ride Rockit coaster for a short, smooth, yet enjoyable little nighttime LED-illuminated ride accompanied by the strains of "Pump Up the Volume."

The band got started just as I got off the coaster. Some Christian rock band "Skillet." Music was very loud heavy metal. And I do mean loud. Yup, like they say, when the music's too loud, you're getting too old.

I was tuckered out and apparently Christian, a fit boy less than half our age was pooped too. Well, they'd partied hearty for the past two nights before I got on the scene so of course it was catching up to them. Ric later said he was good to keep the party going but I know he was tired too. We all ambled our way like listless zombies out of the park and to our Days Inn hotel on foot. Not horribly far, but far enough when you're drunk and exhausted.

I had enough energy for a quick swim in the pool but they stayed in the room. I also woke up first in the morning, showered and drove to nearby Starbucks and returned to greet the boys just then stirring alive. Though I drank many beers the night before, they'd been spread out evenly over many hours and lots of physical activity thus reducing their negative side effects. I felt fine.

After a tasty IHOP breakfast, Christian had to return to his home near Tampa so he bade a rather lukewarm farewell and Ric and I made our way back to the park. We focused on the original one exclusively. He rode the Rip Ride Rockit a couple more times. (I chose not to be squished into it...I'll try it again when I loose a few more pounds) We did Mummy, Shreck, and Simpsons but when we got to the new Duff's Brewery outdoor bar in the new Springfield area, we enjoyed the beer and the company (met a super nice bartender and some other patrons) so we spent much of the afternoon there.

Over all, I really don't think Christian will be pursuing anything much more with Ric. He just gave way too many negative signals. I think Ric knows it too. But Ric perseverates on things like this ad infinitem. In fact, for most of Sunday, we talked of little else but this kid and what will become of this for Ric.

Oh the beer-lubricated wailing of two old twink-loving queens bemoaning the waste of youth on the young. It's enough to make dogs howl and babies cry.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

Well It's On Again

So Ric texted and called me after I texted him about my "inability to get the time off" from work for our weekend adventure. I ignored the texts and calls at first but last night I decided to answer his incoming call. He explained to me how Christian was now going to be starting this grand weekend on Thursday and he was going to be continuing through as planned albeit without the night I had booked, he was thinking of getting a cheaper rate hotel in the area since Christian also indicated that he wanted to attend a Universal Mardi Gras evening and that was Saturday night.

As he and I were scoping out potential replacements for my cancelled night at Royal Pacific I told him the truth. I actually already had the weekend off but I was pissed about him adding Christian on and me footing the majority of the bill. He chuckled and fluffed it right off like it was nothing.

We continued to price hotels in the area and when we found Days Inn at $67 and change for the night, I said I'd join them on it and pay one third. He joked that my share would come to something like $22.48 to the penny like I was being a Jew. Haw Haw Haw! I told him I was okay with this new arrangement as long as he didn't start his old Ric shit and get drunk and insult me for the whole night. He said he "doesn't do that anymore" which I guess is his way of acknowledging he'd in fact done this before.

As far as he and the boy-toy grunting like warthogs, Ric admits he'll likely be too drunk to want to do anything with him that night. Well we'll see. Saturday will be here sooner than you think. I'll try to take plenty of pictures since I think this will be most interesting. Interesting good or interesting bad?

 That's yet to be seen.