Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

Rodney King must have been joking when he asked this famous question. He knew that for some people there's an almost hardwired mindset permanently positioning certain people of this world against certain others. Now to be fair, in the spirit of the riots that spurred on his much-televised query there are those that start it and others that opportunistically join in.

It seems that in my case, though I try to be amicable to all, for some reason I grate the raw pussies of lesbians the wrong way. Maybe it's my use of phrases like "raw pussies?" But maybe not. I don't have to utter one word and before long some dyke is giving me the death stare.

The LGBTQ community espouses equality and in the context of many LGBTQ events and venues, one can see there is a certain civility among our diverse peoples, if not full-out unity. But in my experience, get a lesbian alone in a room with you and if you say the sky is blue, you are dead wrong mister! And how dare you try to shove your chauvinistic "atmosphere color propaganda" down my throat?! Who the fuck do you think you are?!

My usual hyperbole, you say? Surely they're not that maniacally anti-Michael. Well, I think so. And it seems it's only me. Other men, straight or gay don't seem to get the same treatment. They reserve it just for little ole' me.

The chick I work with, Kym, she's a powder keg begging to be tipped every freakin' night I work with her. It's only by my well-honed diplomatic skills that we've avoided outright physical altercation. What's more, the dumb dyke is all of 98 pounds soaking wet. I'd literally kill the kid.

Remember June and the troubles I had with her at work? This new kid is like a skinny, fugly, nerdy version of her. But June caused me quite a few nights of angst herself in the day. Threatening to key my car and slash my tires. And she was stocky and butch. She was short and weighed less than me but she probably could have kicked my ass nevertheless. Through sheer fury.

My sister, and her wife, hate me. They have ever since the 90s when I stiffed my sister for $350. Hey, I'm not proud of it, but I was practically homeless in late '97 and it literally took years before I got on my feet properly. Last week she makes a rare comment to a profile pic I placed on my Facebook page. "What happened to your hair? LOL" Ha Ha. Funny as fuck. Well at least I was civil enough to refrain from commenting when she posted her current profile pic showing her looking like a 60-year-old fucked-up crack whore. Bitch!

But much of this is tongue-in-cheek of course. I do try to have open and positive relations with everyone, regardless of their machinations. But I'm sorry, I will call you out if you think your way is better than mine and I know it's not. It's just the way I am. Why can't lesbians acknowledge that they can rule over and oppress other men? I'm not against them. I'm all for it. Men are assholes and need to be kicked around.

Just don't you think for one second I'm going to be one of them.