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| Miss Iris says: "Oh-oh!" |
And of all possible dates...on September 16th, the same date on which I missed that first bus exactly 20 years ago. How freaky coincidental is that?
As mentioned on this blog, at least here, before as well as in the Chronicles, September 16th, 2002 was the day I effectively quit my job at Sears Home Improvement Products. It was a milestone event both in its inevitable impact to my imminent inability to keep a roof over my head but also to my ongoing failure to consistently retain my self-confidence and joie de vivre for decades to come. It's by several measures, the essential beginning of my Koyaanisqatsi. And it all came to a head when my Lynx bus to work didn't show up.
Yesterday, my short bus, as mentioned in this post, also failed to appear. Well, let me clarify: My short bus, that is, my job going forward with this Modivcare client, failed to live up to my expectations, so, like the Lynx bus two decades ago that showed up at the bus stop an hour later, I symbolically chose to sip coffee at the corner McDonald's and not board it.
The feelings now are so similar to back then. Exhaustion from having to keep up appearances of someone who gave a shit. Frustration from having to jump through so many hoops just to "get there," all while wondering "where exactly am I actually going?" The desperation of ultimate burnout syndrome. And the mixed feelings are fighting, like they did back then, with the feelings of desire. Yes I want to be "free," but how to achieve that without the security the income brings? Yes, I know I'm better than this, but, right now, who's around to verify that?
Like calling in with the lame excuse that the bus hit me, I called out via email on Thursday saying I had a "pressing issue." Back in '02, on the 16th, I didn't bother to call in at all. This go 'round, I went into the half hour 8am Zoom session, then made my way to the Five9 soft phone to take calls, took one call, she wanted to cancel her ride, tried to look it up ion the system and I couldn't find it. I feigned I was having computer issues, put her on hold, and shut down my ASD system, effectively hanging up on her. I went back to the Zoom class at 11:30 as scheduled. I complained about the scheduling software showing almost no available hours for next week and was told "oh they will be there." I kept quiet for the rest of the session, logged off at 1pm and de-selected all my upcoming scheduled intervals.
I don't plan on returning Monday.
Back in 2002, I "celebrated" my new found faux freedom of sudden unemployment and eventual financial ruin by imbibing in a 12-pack of Sam Adams and a bottle of Augey Bordeaux. (Shudders at the thought of drinking Sam Adams' nowadays.) This time, I "pre-celebrated" since I "had a feelin' about this" and was hungover from the bottle of Palms Caribbean rum I drank the night before.