The photo above is a digital scan, retouched this morning, painstakingly, pixel by pixel in IrfanView, to clean up the image as much as I could. Here's a look at a scan of the original photo:
I'm no digital imaging artist so it's not 100% perfect but for the fact it's a scan taken with a cheap scanner, probably back sometime in 2013, from a hard copy glossy Kodak photographic print, developed in September 1992, taken in May 1992, eh...it's okay. Plus, I didn't use any high-end expensive software and my aforementioned "painstaking" effort wasn't that taxing; IrfanView is a free, very barebones photo editor and I worked on it for about half an hour. Cropped, zoomed in and painted out all the "grishions" (Momma's Woon-sock-ETTE word for "little grainy bits") using the eyedropper and paintbrush tools at the 1px scale, and just ever so delicately highlighted my eyes just a tad to make them less shaded (although, looking real close, maybe distorted a bit...oops.).
Oh, did I say "my" eyes? Why yes, dearies, don't you know? The picture is of none other than me, just a few weeks after my 28th birthday.
I'm shown sitting in what I call my "kateebo" pose. I don't remember where I picked up the phrase kateebo. I google it now and it comes up blank. In my personal vocabulary though, it stands for a certain "give a fuck" look, if you know what I mean. It's a stance that says "Go ahead, state your business. But best not fuck with me Bitch or I'll cut you down like the whore you are." Like an old drag queen when she first wakes up in the morning (or afternoon as it likely would be).
It was a bright and sunny morning and Wayne and I were getting ready for another day on our vacation with my parents. You see, this was at a time when my relationship with my parents was arguably at it's best. It was the spring of 1992. Wayne and I had just about a week or two before gone through our Braking Glass Episode, or I guess I should say, I had, and he endured it, and now we were honoring our already planned vacation with my parents, spending a few days (maybe four or so, not a full week I'm sure but not just a weekend either I think...can't recall) with them at their timeshare condo in Mashpee, on Cape Cod, Massachusetts.
I'm not sure what camera this was though I'm pretty sure it was mine since, of course, these pictures are mine and, amazingly, are still in my possession. I'm guessing it wasn't my 35mm SLR since it was a manual and I know Wayne didn't know how to use it. Manual analog SLRs need the photographer to know how to adjust the f-stop, shutter speed, ISO and focus. I know Wayne couldn't do this since later during this era of BINT, when I wanted a MTM pic for my online profile (yes, dearies, we had them back then, at least those of us that were early pioneers of the interwebs) I placed him as a stand-in for me, got in position with my camera, adjusted the room lighting so I wouldn't need flash, fixed up the camera settings and then we switched places so he could just aim and shoot me. Of course it still came out fuzzy since he moved off his mark slightly. Anyway, back to our story.
I think it was Wayne's idea to snap the picture of me impromptu as he probably thought I looked "picturesque" sitting with my cup of coffee in the morning light. Remember, we were never lovers and even though I do think Wayne had an attraction to me, I don't think a thing like this was out of romantic feelings. It was a Wayne thing. Living in the moment. It's one of the things I loved about Wayne.
You'll notice I seem to be raising my right eyebrow a bit, maybe you think "Spock-like?" No. It's actually half trying to achieve the desired "kateebo" affect and half trying to compensate for the lazy eyelid of that eye. You see, I well am aware that that eye has an eyelid that can tend to droop a bit (think Tom Hulce) and I'm quite self conscious of it when having pictures taken of me so I will try to lift that lid for the snapshot so my eyes look more even. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, I think it's my left eyelid with the droop so I don't remember if I'm fucking compensating, kateeboing or Spocking afterall.
When I got 'round to developing these pictures later that year, I looked at this shot and cringed. To me, I looked down right portly.
First: Why so many month's between when the picture was taken and the time developed? Well, if your old enough to remember, film and developing film were both expensive. I hadn't used the whole roll of film for this vacation and wouldn't use it up until after summer, apparently. Or, I didn't have the extra cash to afford to develop the roll until a few months later, or, I simply forgot.
Second: Why did I think I looked fat? In the picture, I'm about a week or two into my sobriety. Despite it being a vacation with my parents which normally would have included the usual amount of copious drinking, my parents were aware of my personal struggles at the time and respected my wishes to remain abstinent. And to their credit, they didn't pressure me at all about it. In fact, I don't remember them drinking much either. I mean, I'm sure my father did have a few but I do think he tried to keep it somewhat on the down low even though I told them they didn't need to make any special accommodations for me. And I think my mom had already started her own journey on her weight loss around then so I think she kept her drinking pretty much at bay. Wayne wasn't ever much of a drinker anyway so, all in all, even though I was initially afraid to hold to this commitment of going on this vacation so early in my sobriety journey, it did work out well. Anyway, I thought I looked fat because, in the photo, I was about 40 or so pounds heavier than I was when I developed the pictures, and I was at one of the high points of BINT when I was on a crusade to get as fit as could be.
Wow, this's become more than just an explanation of how I doctored an old photo, it's an outright FLASHBACK post, albeit, from the present tense looking back. A MEMORY LANE post perhaps? The old method of trying to recall all the details clearly enough in sequence to do a traditional FLASHBACK post is quite hard nowadays.
For instance, in the pic above, for example, am I getting ready to go with Wayne somewhere sightseeing? I can't recall specifically but based on the clues in the pic: the "Christopher Street" t-shirt, my then-favorite jeans, my "cut-a-bitch" kateebo look...and the fact that we're really not THAT far away, I can only think Wayne and I are gearing up for a day in P-Town. I really can't believe we'd be vacationing on the Cape and NOT visit P-Town even once! It's practically obligatory for local fags to make the pilgrimage to the New England Gay Mecca if anywhere near the Cape.
I do remember sometime during that week, all four of us going together on a ferry trip to Martha's Vineyard, but like a possible P-Town visit for Wayne and me, I don't recall any specific details.
It's too bad memories can't be retouched and tweaked, sharpened and clarified like old photos can using digital software tools. Instead of pixel by pixel it could be brain cell by brain cell. Maybe one day.