So having easily abstained from even the serious thought of drinking over the New Year's festivities (likely since I didn't engage in any festivities; I even went to bed by 9 pm New Year's Eve) I thought I'd make a little post identifying some of the quirky behaviors I and many other drunks have often unconsciously committed throughout their drinking lifestyle. Now I don't want to come off cocky like I think I'm cured or anything. Far from it. But with the help of Big Pharma, I'm on my way, baby! (Or so it would seem...we'll see.)
What got me thinking about these typical habits was my still lingering penchant for the first thing on the list which I caught myself doing just a little while ago. I guess I just want to keep my options open.
These aren't in any specific order or in any sort of progression or anything, just a random set of odd things alcoholics do:
1. The Nonchalant Side-eye Clock Glance
Pretty much without thinking about it, a drunk has to keep abreast of the time. You see, you can't be caught off guard. Is it too early to start drinking? (If that still matters to you.) Is it near last call? Are the stores still able to sell it?
2. The Ultimatum Restaurant Choice
A relatively early behavior, the alchy will make sure that the restaurant they and their companion choose must be one that serves alcohol. If the companion doesn't already know about the alchy's condition, this may help tip them off since if the companion seems hard set on a drink free place, the drunk will suddenly come up with an excuse to not be able to go. (You know what, I'm really tired anyway, let's make plans for another night, okay?)
3. The Pre-Guzzle Fast
The ultimate goal of any drunk is to, well, get drunk. To most effectively, and efficiently achieve this, the alchy will make sure to keep their stomach free and clear to receive the liquid of choice without hinderances. Fast for an hour or so, then have a pre dinner "cocktail" (or two, or three). Fast before that party...or, better yet, fast, then drink before the party and when you arrive, you're half way there!
4. The Hideaway Parking Lot Secret Drinking Spot
Especially important if you live with others that may restrict your drinking, you find a place to drive to where you can drink out of the way. Of course now you have the problem of drunk driving after you've had you fill so you have to weigh out your plan of how you'll drive home to avoid detection. Good luck.
5. The Drive-By Self-Debate (Christie's Syndrome)
This is sometime during the recovery stages where an alchy tries to come to terms with his drinking and has frequent dilemmas of conscience regarding their choices. One choice in particular is whether to pull into the driveway of that oh so familiar liquor store. As I've mentioned several times before, for me it began with Christie's liquor store in Cranston, Rhode Island. sweaty Palms on your steering wheel. Why are you driving down this particular road? Why are you even in this town 20 miles out of your way? Why does the liquor store look so appealing? Look at the people going into the store and coming out all smiling. Look at the nice cars in the parking lot, they're not beating up old wrecks. These aren't your run of the mill gutter drunks.
6. The "Accidental" Turn Into The Beer Aisle
Similar to the Christie's Syndrome above, you're shopping at your favorite grocery store, and you realize you need some frozen pizza. And you go to get some frozen pizza and then you realize, oh shit, they keep the frozen pizza in the beer aisle. That's one version. But then there's the other version where you're just shopping along and you know damn well the frozen pizza is in the Bear Aisle. The dictation software actually wrote down bare aisle. No seriously, now it spelled like that. Either way Software, how does that make any fucking sense? I kind of like the first mistake because it's hilarious, like you'd be shopping in a store and there's an aisle where you can go ahead and buy what, bear meat? Or is it an aisle filled with live bears? The second mistake I guess is funny too in that I guess naked things are there. Oh lordy it's a chuckle a minute with this software. Anyway, back to reality. When you find yourself in the beer aisle (hey that time it spelled it right) and you have no idea how you got there, but, now since you're here…
7. The Glass Selection and Pour Style
A beginner starts to slowly and almost unconsciously develop this skill, but a veteran alcoholic has this down pat. It's the total ritual of selection of the correct glass with which to pour your liquid into and, very important, the way you pour the liquid into the glass. This sounds like a trivial point, but it's actually part of the entire milieu of the addiction. The preparation of your drug of choice and the things you do to lead up to your enjoyment, so to speak, of that, build the anticipation, and, scientifically, the endorphins that reinforce the brain's acceptance and dependence upon the substance.
For some amateurs, it can seem almost like too much trouble. But the little things that they do that reinforce their drinking will lead up to an eventual ritual that they will come to depend on. Obviously, a drinker of fine wines, alcoholic or not, tends to develop the well-practiced ritual of precise wine glass selection and appropriate pour technique for each drink. This comes with the implied culture of wine drinking. See the movie Sideways for a great look at the underbelly of this. But take on the other hand, a drinker say like Ric. Mr. Coors Light By The Pitcher. Not refined. Not high-end culture. But I watched him over the years in how he poured from his pitcher for both his guests like me and himself. The pour was forceful and confident. It said 'we're going to have a fucking awesome time and we're going to get fucked up'. For him this was the ritual. For him, he couldn't pour his beer into a fancy glass from a bottle whilst tipping it with his pinky held high. This would totally be incongruous with his "grab the gusto" usual ritual.
8. The Pre-Last Call Binge
Again going hand in hand with the number one on this list, an alchy has to be sure to load up even before last call. Then, when last call is called, they'll be able to load up once again. Double loaded, if you will.
9. The Low-Burn Day After
I think I'll take a little "me time" day. I think I'll try to catch up on some sleep. I'll get some much needed rest. I'm feeling a little down, perhaps I'm coming down with a little bit of a cold or something. I deserve a day off, I work hard. I'll get to that important thing I wanted to do another day. Oh wait, would this do-nothing attitude have anything to do with the fact that I'm hungover? Nah.
10. The Killing Of The Inner Child
Let's be totally honest. Whether you're a problem drinker or not. Every single time you take that first sip of that first drink on any given day, there's a little part of you, sometimes it's just barely there, but it's there, that says “ew”. Just like the first time you took that first sip of alcohol when you were really young. Either it was peer pressure or just the excitement and curiosity of what the feeling would be after you drank something with alcohol in it that kept you going, but your first impulse reaction was that this shit tasted awful. You wondered how the hell anyone actually liked this. And I'm not talking just hard liquor which, let's face it, even many full-fledged adults still cringe and grimace when drinking more often than not. But beer and wine too. Of course now we have things like Smirnoff Ice and hard cider and Four Lokos so I guess with those things it can be a little harder for that natural impulse to kick in because of the massive amount of sugar covering the taste.
I call it the inner child but it's really the inner biology of the human digestive system. Millions of years of evolution have created this system and it's fine-tuned to be able to automatically discern foodstuffs that are good and bad just by taste and smell alone. Is it 100% perfect? No, of course not. I just mentioned above how it can easily be fooled. But if it detects alcohol, it knows that alcohol isn't a great thing. And it wants you to reject it. But, we think we know better. We've been fermenting this stuff using systems similar to the way Nature has been doing it since the beginning of time and perfecting it eventually getting to the process of distillation whereby alcohol is elevated to the realm of toxicity, but we are Man, and with our technology we think we know better than the forces of Nature. Sure thing, says Mother Nature. Let's drink to that.