So the situation currently is this. For a couple months or so I've slowly had to endure an escalating situation whereby, apparently, my home has become a cat house. More accurately, the feral cat house of the neighborhood. I suspect I’m not the only one and I’m not sure of the level of my neighbors' awareness and/or action on this issue, but today is the day I’m determined to finally take action for my home at least in putting an end to the woes their intrusion has caused.
I sit here at 5:30 am and I’m near choking on the fumes of this nasty cat spray smell.
Literally right outside my bedroom window which is right behind the big outdoor air conditioner compressor unit, there's cat sized gap in the skirting behind the compressor and under the window which I know is basically the main front door for at least one, perhaps several of these fucking cats. And being their front door, they let it be known to their other feral cat competitors, or whatever they would consider them in their feral cat communities, that this is their territory, by amply spraying that area with their pussy spray. It's not cat piss but it's close. If you ask me it's much more pungent. People who have owned cats have probably smelled it especially if they're in heat. I think they spray this a lot and certainly anyone who's dealt with stray or feral cats knows that they have this behavior.
Last week, I was sitting at this computer and I could hear a loud ruckus of meowling from outside my window. I went to the door, snapped it open and there were two cats at the end of my carport standing there facing off one another and rather than be rattled by my presence, they just nonchalantly looked over in my direction, one of them then just nonchalantly went back to staring down the other cat, but that other cat kept its glare right at my eyes like as if to say “This ain't none of your business Mister Man…Mr. Hoo-man, best you be on your way, boy.” To which I fucking had to chuckle. As I'm laughing, it's looking at me still dead serious, which just made me laugh even more. This little fucking cat was challenging me? In my yard! Oh hell no! I literally stared it back down and barked out “Don't you DARE be callin' out on me, Mr. Cat! Who the fuck do you think you are?” To which he took a beat and then decided, “Homes, honkey hoo-man ain't worth it, sheeit.” and just started walking away with the other cat as if to say “Sheeit, our cat fightin’ be nothing! We got to put up with these fucking trash hoo-man mutha fuckas.” It was clear now. To them, we're nothin’ but niggers.
So I've had enough of this. I ain't no pussy’s nigger.
Shit's going down today.
Just a few minutes ago I heard the meowing. Yep. Five fucking thirty in the morning! I bolted and I grabbed my flashlight and even though it's pitch black, my little powerful LED flashlight clearly picked up their cat eye illumination business, you know what I'm talking about, their super reflective eyes, and there were two of them – more towards the neighbors closer to Bayview. These fuckers are all over. I could hear some of them meowing down maybe six or seven houses away.
My efforts will, and I do mean will put an end to their business around my house today, but they're still going to be around this neighborhood causing more problems, and I need to call Connie next week since she needs to be aware of this. The main issue isn't nooks and crannies and their ability to crawl under our trailers to be able to cat nap so to speak, that's only part of the problem and I think for feral cats that's a minor issue. The main issue is: Where are they getting food? Some idiot fuckers in this neighborhood are fucking feeding them.
Reminds me of sometime last week I was out getting my mail and as I was walking back to my house this chick's walking down the road and is suddenly all like “Oh hi there!” And I'm like, “Is she talking to me? I don't know her. Should I answer her back?” I glanced back and it's not me she's talking to, it's one of the fucking cats that's just then crawling from my driveway out to the street. But then it's like she knows it's a feral cat I guess because she certainly knows not to try to approach and pet it even though these cats, like I described above, are not the really skittish types. They don't run away the minute they see people. For one thing in this trailer park we're all too crammed up against one another that there's no way these fucking cats don't see people all the time. So they know people and they're used to them. In fact I think they just know how to fake like they love people so that they can get some fucking morsel here and there and that's how they fucking survive. People like this bitch in the street going “Aw, poor thing.” Well this shit needs to stop. You want to feed it? Then take it in and own it and keep it in. Don't let it roam around. Don't let it spray its piss fucking spray everywhere. Don't let it fight with others loudly causing a ruckus at five in the fucking morning. Don't let it fuck with the other nasty cats creating little kittens that are going to be popping out the pussies of these pussies, making a stank under the houses and probably a few of them dying and then becoming mounds of festering, putrid rot. (Not the kittens dying, I know the mother eats them if that happens, but the mother dying in litter birth – it must happen, especially in a population of diseased, malnourished ferals. It'd be bad enough now in winter but God can you imagine the stank in the summer?)
I've read a lot of online articles on how to get rid of these things. So I have a few steps I'm going to be taking today. This will kind of be like a live blog although I'm not going to actually call it a live blog, but I'll keep my template open throughout the day in order to update it. As I progress through the stages of this all day operation, I'll keep this post a breast.
PHASE ONE: Initial Video Surveillance
Other than a little bit of my personal observation, a lot of my ability to hear where they're at, and of course, my sense of smell, I kind of don't know the entire scope of this, shall we call it – invasion.
How many cats are there? What time of day do they come and go? What are they exactly doing? What direction are they coming from and going to this information could help maybe and determine where they're going to feed so that maybe if I get enough data I can inform Connie so she can take action. (Yeah right. Like she's going to actually do anything about this.)
And most importantly, as I suspect they are certainly getting under the house, but where exactly are they entering and exiting from? As I've said, there is that big gap behind the AC compressor unit right under my bedroom window, actually, logistically, pretty much right underwear I'm sitting in my bedroom right now at my desk. But exactly how are they getting in? Like really, are they scooching in between the slats? This will be important when I set up my deterrence. There are other areas where the slats seem to be a little loose. Are they getting in there? I'm going to try to set up one of my cameras so that I can see.
Here's some legacy screen caps taken by my now elevated level security cams just in the past 24 hours:
Hold on, one of them is meowing right now. I'm going to find out where it is. These guys are going to see me often today. I'll be right back. Couldn't find him. It's still fucking dark out there, it's now 6:13. Oh, sorry, this is an Operation so I should say, it’s Oh-Six-Thirteen-Hundred-Hours.
On further inspection and deliberation, I really think it'd be too much to try and pull the WYZE cams from their inner window positions and have them precariously perched outside the windows to angle towards the back of the AC unit, plus, they can't really get a good fix. It's at an awkward angle to the windows. And how would I attach them...tape? To the side of the house? Nah. I decided to use the Samsung phone I barely use as a non-stop (at least until I feel enough time has gone by or its battery runs out whichever comes first) Kitty Kam.
I went out there and looked around and best I could determine was to prop the phone up against the right front tire of Hulk (my car in case you're new here) and we'll see what footage we'll get.
Wait a minute, I see You-Know-Who on the other WYZE cam live feed walking up to my car. Oh shit, he sees the phone and is probably wondering why the fuck I have a phone against my car tire. Now he's at my door.
Ten minutes later. I got a bit of a full conversation with him on the camera. The phone apparently had fallen over and he thought I'd dropped it there and came to let me know. Turns out his name is not what I thought. He says his name is Andy. So throw away all the assumptions about his dead mom and his Monopoly game ploy. He's still quite re-re though. And he's still NoFu, aka SW to me.
I tried again to set up the phone and again it fell over. Kitty Kam may be a no go. I may not have captured any cat footage but I got some prime NoFu in the wild.
Alright, second try. This is the new set up. Phone wedged between cement slab of carport edge and a spare jar candle. Very windy today so that's why just leaning it won't work.
This didn't work at all. I got zero footage. Not sure what happened. Pushing the candle up against the phone may have shut it off?
Here are the other suspect "gaps." Each will be treated in Phase Two.
Fun Fact: The little propane tank in the first pic below likely hasn't been filled in maybe some ten years or more? The Balls never used it and the man before them had been living for years with a wife with end-stage Alzheimer's so he covered the stove with a wooden board to prevent her burning the house down. The More You Know...
PHASE TWO: Chemical deterrence
So I read that powerful scented things like citrus, moth balls, essential oils, and coffee grounds work to repel cats from an area. So, as I think you can make out here, I went ahead an sacrificed about a cup and a half of my favorite fresh coffee grounds and spread them just inside and around the entrance to their "lair." This dusting should also act as a detection method in being able to see their paw prints should they brave the smell and still brake the barrier since I won't be able to catch them on film, so to speak.
I also used some very old orange pet odor remover liquid I had from when I first moved in to get rid of what I figure was the Henry passive-aggressive markings in the couch from when the Bells told him they were moving. Not sure if I posted about that, if I did, it'll be here.
And a final spritz of some lemon-scented furniture polish. I know this always repelled me as a kid since if it was a fresh smell, it meant "Housework Day" and Mom would soon be drafting us kids into slave labor for the rest of the afternoon.
PHASE THREE: Tactile deterrence
Online cat-sperts (Cat Experts) insist cats hate to walk on uncomfortable things, so, I figured, how about some lovely Bougainvillea twigs? One slight scrape of their viciously hard and meaty thorns has me scratching the swollen welts for weeks, let's see if the kitties dare fuck with them. The bushes needed trimming anyway. Of course my proximity around the front with the bushes there revealed to me that there are yet more gaps in my skirting. Ugh! This photo record will see if they manage to move the twigs. My guess is they will figure it out somehow. Despite their name, they're not as pussy as you'd think.
PHASE FOUR: Continued video monitoring
Since I didn't see ONE fucking cat all day yet, I'm wondering if they'll show up. I've got to find a way to keep better surveillance. I'd hate to reposition a WYZE cam but cell phone cameras left out on a windy day seem to be a bad idea. The Samsung is a spare but it is not cheap. It's a hundred bucks. That's a lot of money for a poor fuck like me. Maybe I'll set up that tiny spy cam I've had for years?
PHASE FIVE: A more permanent barrier
With the new gaps discovered and some with no skirting on them, it looks like I'll have to go buy something, maybe some chicken wire or something like that for a permanent solution, but I want to see if the deterrents I have in place now might be enough. I also plan to be vigilant today and if I see any of them fuckers, I'm gonna be like Tina Fey as Sarah Palin telling any Russians she sees loitering around Alaska to "shoo." (Obligatory SNL reference.)
One unfortunate side effect of todays efforts so far; I can smell the coffee grounds I dusted outside and after a few hours, it smells a bit obnoxious as it loses its delicious coffee smell and just smells kinda like old coffee. I guess it's better than cat spray.
THIS IS NOT YOUR PUSSY PALACE, LAKEVIEW KITTY KREW GANG! FUCK OFF!
EDIT: Jan. 5th now, just over 24-hours after beginning this post, it's a new dawn at the Shamrock. The pussies are nowhere to be seen or heard -- or smelled!
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
I just now verified by shining my flashlight since it's still just in the dark pre-sunrise hour of 6:30am -- er, I mean 06:30 -- and indeed the coffee ground barrier has NOT been broken by any creature, great or small.
Now, of course, my "success" may actually be more attributed to the fact that even though over the previous week or so the weather has been pretty awesome here in Sebring with daytime temps in the 80s and nights in the upper 60s, as of yesterday that little "heat wave" left us and we're back to "normal" winter conditions.
As you recall, I mentioned that it was breezy yesterday (thus blowing over my propped-up phone twice) and you see Andy NoFu wearing a flannel shirt as it was also a normal Florida winter cold weather temp of upper 50s. During the night, temps dropped to lower 40s. So could it just be that the kitties decided to find warmer digs? My skirting, even fully intact, has a design which, with its horizontal slats, allows plenty of airflow under the house. Maybe they found another trailer, as I'm sure there exists, that is less prone to the chill of the elements. These are Florida cats after all.
We'll see. Today's forecast is for a high of 75 and tonight a low of 52.