Blame it on the dog days of summer.
Blame it on more than a full year now of total retirement.
Blame it on turning the milestone age of 60.
Blame it on the advancing creep of the little aches and pains.
Blame it on the meds, Topiramate, Gabapentin, and good old Ozempic.
Blame it on the non-stop repetitious dreams where I'm constantly toiling away at a dreary job in some telemarketing boiler room or scuzzy mental health facility.
Heck, blame it on my current binge of Shameless and it's reminder of my own life choice similarities.
Or maybe it's just simply the fact that as we're getting close to the start of the fall semester of this school year, I'm reminded that it's been some 40 years since I last attempted and failed achieving anything in the way of a noteworthy mark of pride academically.
I mean, here's my sad transcript of my entire college experience.
I remember when I ordered this early last year in order to get that job at Ridge Area Arc, I was kind of shocked at how bad this was. I never remembered how poorly I did. I guess I never allowed myself to dwell too much on my failure.
I mean, yes, I had to deal with having to suddenly get full time employment, moving out on my own, not having one penny of support from my parents, using money slated for school towards buying a car for transportation for my job, etc. and so forth. But I also know that I took a lot of that student loan money and splurged on useless shit. Booze, cocaine, pot, and I spent a lot of time away from school to party and nurse hangovers and avoid responsibilities. I had totally forgotten about the spring 1984 semester which basically was a total waste of money since I didn't show up much, thus was marked as incomplete or more accurately was graded as an F for failure.
I had the wild idea today that I'd make up a little bit for it. I filled out an application for the local state school up the road to take a class or two. Drawing, maybe painting, maybe ceramics. I'll call tomorrow or Tuesday to see what I can get being both 60 years old and poor. I'm pretty sure I could get the hook up in some way since I mean, it's just a state school. It's nothing special.
I also bought this book on eBay.
It's not a required book of any class I'm thinking of taking. I don't think it would be since it was published in 1977. I'm pretty sure classes today like the newest and greatest so they can charge top dollar. I had to buy this book for my art history class that I got a D in. It was the newest edition back then. I think I remembered there were no used versions of it at the bookstore so I had to buy new. I think it cost something around $95. Let me tell you, that was outrageously expensive back then. I just paid for it on eBay, free shipping...ten bucks. Of course it's not new, but the seller says it's in good condition. It should be worth it. This thing is a 740 page coffee table size 10 lb. massive thing. I had my version up until I left for Florida in 1997 when I left it along with all the other books I had in my vast library with John C. in Providence. He's a big old bibliophile so I'm sure it's still in good condition.
So will I take a class or two this coming semester? They're art classes you know. Got to take them in person in a studio setting. With other people. With people 40 years younger than me.
I drank some wine tonight. I have quite a bit of beer in the fridge to keep the drinking going but my mind and my stomach both feel satisfied that I've had enough with just two glasses. This is how it's been for the past month. Two to four drinks maximum.
Is it like I'm trying to somehow go back in a time machine and make things right? Am I trying to right the wrong? The wrong of over 40 years ago?
Can I get back on track and complete my courses in my art studies?
Can I moderate my drinking to more mature and responsible levels?
Can I at the age of 60 finally be the 20-year-old young man I should have been?