They should of course be applauded for being a local generation to strive for something different than plucking citrus fruit from scrubby little trees in the blazing hot Florida sun. From what I could gather though, in reality, most of them are the children of probably ex-cons many probably got their first prison tattoo even before their first adult tooth. So join me now in the valiant recognition of their young scrubby little faces yearning to be free and proud but unfortunately setting forth in an industry which will keep them totally subservient and downtrodden.
Tiffany: I would be dating myself for sure to say she looked like a very young version of Elvira. Though she has plenty of a concealer and dark black makeup all over her Goth face she don't have the tatas. Admittedly she said she had only been in this role of trainer for about eight months but I got to tell you she didn't do so bad. She at least tried. And you know that's the thing of this whole Generation Z they all try so hard. Really, you can actually hear it in their voices. They're a little nervous. Was my generation ever like that in our youth? Or was it more likely that my generation was as jaded as we fucking most definitely are now.
In a theme that would run throughout this entire training she was very much like one of the kids of the class sitting behind the teacher's desk trying to watch her peers and make sure the kids would behave while the teacher was away. Did that work? Meh, what do you think?
Following another of the the number of quirky trends of her generation she was a stickler for going according to the plan, sometimes to a fault. She followed the curriculum as set forth in the Hulu handbook to a tee, even when we were running out of time by way of time-wasting tactics that were coming into play due to some people's attempts to hijack the class. It was like she was nervous about re-tweaking anything in the training, even the fluff stuff. Was she afraid of getting fired? The little taste of interaction with management that I've had kinda hints that may have been the case.
Adam: Young black dude with a homemade high and tight and a "Wazzup Homies!" attitude to the class, but a geeky Carlton-esque voice over the microphone, this assistant trainer was pretty much useless. Like that cringy "best friend from the hood" that Will Smith had on the show, he did his best to shirk the few duties he had as often as possible. Monitor the inbound chats on Microsoft Teams? Not Adam. Help enforce the mask wearing rule due to Covid? Not Adam. Pop in to keep a watch on the class while Tiffany had to step away? Not Adam. Oh, but he loved to be the center of attention... It was like he was on an imaginary set filming an episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and those 90s people be applaudin' so loud, y'all.
Jay: Oh, but here was the attention whore of all attention whores. One day in the midst of our classroom training after lunch when everyone was a little bit sleepy, Jay busts in and introduces himself as our head coach or upcoming grad school. His backstory: Poor Highlands County boy saved from a life of waywardness by the glory of Jesus? No, the glory of call center work! Even got married in the breakroom of a call center! He says he's been in the biz for 17 years and has worked his way up to -- coaching, woohoo! All I see is a short, balding, 30-something, red-faced compensating white trash trailer park dude with enough prison tats on his arms to suggest his 17 years was really done at Highland County's own Avon Park Penitentiary.
I almost busted out laughing when, to mock Jay's Ebonic-speak and "I'm down with y'all." demeanor to the mostly of-color and youthful class, Alex posted a meme to Slack (shared chatroom software) of a skateboard-toting, backwards-cap-sporting Steve Buscemi trying to "fit in" with "fellow" highschoolers.
Later, the next week, when we were beginning grad school, one of the virtual students, class smart-ass Brandon, dared to question his plans regarding our staggered training and a beet-red, sweating hot-as-hell mad Jay ripped him a new one in front of everyone. Real classy. You can see where his coach minions got their give a fucking attitude problem.
Coach minion number one, Ariana: I think I accidentally pissed her off when we were watching her texting with a customer early in our grad school and she was reading a positive feedback from the customer and pronounce the word epitome as "ep-ee-toe-em." Clearly she had never seen the word before nor knew what it meant. Kind soul (and part-time vocabulary Nazi) that I am, I helped her out, pronounced it correctly, and gave her the definition. She didn't thank me. You see that's another thing about this generation... God forbid you correct them. That shit is what got us the term OKAY, BOOMER!
She got me back later when I was on the floor complaining about my "bad" ACW status earned but not deserved. She was like "it is what it is." I was like "oh so it's on me!" I'm sure my fate was sealed right there.
Coach minion number two, Ca$h (I'm not sure, but I bet this is how she styles her nickname): Like a female Jimmy "JJ" Walker dy-no-mite, this girl must be hitting that crack pipe with her homies over in East Sebring before each shift. Her heavy ghetto country accent was just too hard to follow. And all the coaching she was spewing out regarding interactions with customers was all in the vein like: "Just lie your ass off so they get off your phone."
But what about my fellow students? We'll start with the virtual ones.
Brandon: The most talkative and animated of all the "Never Seens." He said he holds a culinary arts bachelor's degree from Johnson & Wales University for which I, of course alone, gave out a whoop of "PROVIDENCE!" (Me alone, of course, since I'm pretty sure no one else in the class had ever heard of Johnson & Wales.)
He didn't have a Rhode Island accent so I don't think he was a native but he did indicate he was Italian in heritage so you never know. At the drop of a hat and many times unexpectedly Brandon's voice would suddenly morph into that of none other than Kermit the Frog. He said he has a bit of experience in the industry and has been known to take entire calls as the voice of Kermit, the customer totally unaware.
Autumn: This flower power girl of the new decade surely must be smoking something from behind her Lotus-seated, pajama-clothed avatar picture on the screen. She was one of the few in the virtual class that probably legitimately would get lost from time to time and need a little bit of a guidance back. Her soft, lilting vocal fry and her description of things as "hoozy-whatsis" and "doo-hickies" was too precious.
Shay'tawna and Ti'Unka (or whatever their names were): these two were a hot mess on ice. We heard their totally ghetto country ass voice, purposely improper grammar, and uppity BLM attitude full on but I'm sure on the phones they be tweaking that to sound just like "Debbie your Time-Life Operator."
For each of them, in Every. Single. Class.: "Wait, wait, wait, hol' up, Miss Tiff'ny, my computer won't turn on." "Oh man, what did you say again?" "Oh Lordy, yessum, my ol' microphone jus' plum keeps shutting off." "I'z don't understands where you at?!" It's like I could hear the chicken-necking and eye-rolling.
They'll be blaming it on training when they get their asses fired in a week or two in order to get back on unemployment.
Oh and one of them needs to change the battery on their smoke detector. That chirping was driving me crazy every time they had the mic. Nobody else mentioned it at all so maybe it's just me.
Tristan: He and his "wife" Yvonne were both in the same training, though we hardly ever heard from Yvonne. It was mostly him. And Guuuurl, my gaydar was going off big time. His avatar photo didn't help any either. If this twink's cause was to keep that closet door shut, his squeeky gay voice sure cracked it open a bit. So either Yvonne is really a dude or she's just there as window dressing to pass in the backwoods of Highlands County.
In the classroom:
Kenny, Charles, Ki'Shawnaa: The three black kids. All either from Highlands County or other backwoods counties elsewhere in Florida. Probably all consider Orlando to big a "Big City." None with any CS experience. All limited in technical, proper English and organization skills but, you know what, they all have big hearts. They wore their good, wholesome personality on their sleeves and didn't bring any attitude into the building. They'll probably make it. Sure better than Micky Dees. And at $14 an hour likely the most they've ever made...or perhaps ever will.
Jasmin, Mercedes, Nina: The Puerto Ricans girls. Two transplanted from Miami and one from The Bronx. Their mouths be constantly moving. How they learned anything is beyond me since they never shut up. I could tell they had total disdain for the small town minds here and I'd bet they've already bowed out by now themselves likely learning the art of being a professional trainee. If not, they'll soon be getting fired for some lip they mouth off on the phone since they seem on the edge of it even in training.
Alex, Dante, Carol: The Geeks. On top of all the tech aspects of the job right away, and super savvy with all things that go "beep," they'll have no problem at the job except for their total lack of work experience. Never mind having no call center experience, they're fresh outta high school so they have very little or total no job experience period. And their choosing this field as their gateway into the wonderful world of adulting? They'll need many late-night sessions of Magic the Gathering and maybe taking up potent potions at the local D&D pub to get along. Hazzah! May the Force be with them! (How's that for a mixed bag of geek metaphors?)
Congratulations to all of the above they deserve their lovely Golden Oranges. Aren't you glad I didn't roast them? They are the best and brightest of this town's future. And heck, if this job doesn't work out for them, they can always do like the guy on the corner near my house and pitch a tent selling Confederate and Thin Blue Line flags on the side of Route 27.
As Daffy Duck (or is it Bugs Bunny?) would say "Eh, it's a living."
Need a video of me reading this for you? Sure you do.