A trifecta of events have converged on me over the past few weeks and now I find myself adrift in the perfect storm of doom and despair.
First and overall most pervasive is this sense of malevolence hanging heavy in the air right now as universally we try to cope with the pandemic and the disruption to the way things seemed to be. Couple that with the dual headed sword that is the racial and political divisions among seemingly everyone right now and the pervasive feeling of tension and threat.
Next is the effects of inactivity and anxiety eating and drinking and the toll it, along with my other co-morbid diagnoses, is taking on my body. I'm up to an all-time high of 335 and I'm getting an average of five hours of sleep a night. I'm eating crappy food and drinking lots of beer and wine and I'm very much feeling it. I keep thinking I feel weird arm and chest pains like I'm gonna have a heart attack. And many nights my usual insomnia is hyper-enhanced by the certainty that I'll fall asleep and die.
Lastly, I'm dealing with a heavy-ass bout of general anxiety and depression unrelated to the above, but at the same time, those elements definitely enhance it. I'm feeling like nobody I have interactions with give a shit about me and even that they may despise me. I've heard nothing about my supposed job with the census (they just say sit tight and wait), my doctor seems to have forgotten about my need for a CPAP (they said on the phone to just wait for my insurance to approve it) and my neighbor Reagan doesn't answer my texts for help. My other neighbor Mary has her windows open today (maybe her A/C is broken) but she plays her TV so freakin' loud it's bothering me and I think the other one on the other side is letting her dog shit on my carport cement.
And the whole "storm" theme is an apropos metaphor 'cause, more so than in the Orlando area, the daily rains are real soakers here many days lasting pretty much all day and, of course, as is par for the Central Florida course, persistently occurring every single day.
Bang! There's another clap of thunder overhead. I think I saw my lights flicker. Sure, why not. Cut out my A/C and internet. My phone's shitty battery life should hold me out for about ten minutes. Then I'll just go to bed and maybe I'll just not wake up.