It seems that some subjects of conversation are a bit too rough edged unless you've had a belly full of Sierra Nevada Torpedos. But since I have such a subject and I have such a belly full, let's get into it, shall we?
Have ye scrubbed yer taint recently? No, I don't mean let the lather flow down there and hope for the best, I mean get a dedicated wash cloth and scrub them nether regions like no tomorrow?
Do it, you'll be thankful.
This area is especially hard to get to for guys like me carrying what I would call a few extra pounds. Aw fuck, who am I kidding. I'm so fucking fat I can't just wipe like a normal guy, I need to take a shower with every poop. I wash that shit right outta my crack, boys. I ain't got time for a pound o' paper and a plumber's bill to unclog the crapper. And, you know what, it feels more complete. So even if I lost the hundred pounds or more I need to, I might well still stick to my shit and spray method. Does it run down my legs and do I need to reach in there to get a thorough wash? Yup. But that's what soap's for, mateys! Nothin' cleans yer shit like good ol' sudsy soap.
So that brings me to the taint. Whether usin' my method or the more standard TP way, this area is the dank, dark unknown of yer body. And if ya have a few extra folds of fatty skin like me, it can be hidden away for quite a while...until one day...when sweat, skin oils, and remnant shit smolder away together in there to create an unforgivable itch. And ya can't just scratch on the side of yer ass to get it to go away. Ya gotta get in there. But beware, If you go there, there's no comin' back unscathed.
The texture is like a thin layer of peanut butter, but it ain't gonna smell like that. In fact, take my word for it, don't put yer finger up to yer nose after you've scratched there.
Instead, get yer ass into the shower with a sturdy washcloth and lather up. Swing that cloth from back to front under yer crotch and work it like a sling back and forth. It'll feel like nirvana.
Why haven't you done this way before you'll be wondering? Keep scrubbing, boys, you got years of scum to whittle down.
Yer gonna be itchy afterwards. Your body isn't used to being without its "protective layer of bacteria" there. But you know better. Let yer legs be spread apart on yer bed whist a stiff breeze from a nearby fan dries up them parts. Do not take video or even think of the image of viewing this act. It ain't pretty to anyone but the Devil himself. Actually, he may not like it 'cause I'd guess he'd like the scummy taint you just eliminated. Oh well, thinks he, it'll be back.
And he's right, boys! Remember, this is temporary! That oily slick'll be returning far quicker than yer next hookup. And since he or she is a skank anyway, they won't be lettin' you in on its re-ripening. You gotta keep aware of it and do what ya need to do.
Scrub yer taint, boys!
If there's one thing I can pass on to the next generation it's that. Fuck that singer from the eighties tellin' you to protect your knees. It's the 21st century, you can get titanium knees now. But there's no titanium taint. That's irreplaceable.