So today I went to the Magic Kingdom for the first time in years. I think maybe 6 or 7 years but awhile ago nevertheless.
I'm getting used to this reservation system for Fast Passes with the Disney World app now so before I left for the park I booked times for Pirates of the Caribbean at 12:00, Space Mountain at 1:40 and Haunted Mansion at 3:00. Unfortunately, since I waited until the day of my visit, I couldn't book any Fast Passes for either Thunder Mountain, Splash Mountain or the new Seven Dwarves Mine Train which I'd never seen, let alone been on. And, predictably, the Stand-By times for these were prohibitively long (70 to 115 minutes). Frankly though, all the rides I had Fast Passes for were about 70 minutes for Stand-By as well so I guess it was kinda busy today. A random Tuesday. In January. Hmm. Well, the weather was freakin' awesome, high of 80 degrees, virtually no humidity and partly cloudy to mostly sunny skies.
I made it to the park after the usual harrowing terror ride on I-4 at 12:20 and thought I'd forfeited my Fast Pass on Pirates but I checked and they actually give a full hour for you to show up for you scheduled time so, yeah! Made my way jauntily down Main Street to Adventureland and energy and gait were fine and dandy. Of course, that's how it is now, I can start out fine but my muscles, joints, stamina and breathing all start to deteriorate quickly. Usually heat and sweating is a factor too, and it was to a small extent today since it was "warmish" but thankfully nothing like the melt-fest that I experience during more Florida-typical times in the other seasons.
I love Fast Passes at Disney. You get on the ride just as fast and exclusively as Universal (since you have only 3 to use per day) but it's free. Universal charges an arm and a leg for their Express Passes. It's really a contest between the Have and Have-Nots at Universal. Well, actually, lets put it all in perspective. If you're actually "in" a theme park, that's proof enough that you don't belong to a "Have-Not" group. I guess when it comes to paying extra for line-skipping access, it's more a case of the Have and Also Have (but chose to save a few sheckles).
I made it to Pirates well before my hour was up and was seated in the back row by myself. Are the boats bigger now? I don't remember them having 6 rows but that's what they are. The boat made its way down the faux river in mostly darkness. But unlike the last time I'd ridden years ago, there was no mist curtain projection of a pirate warning us...and then a good little drop. Now the boat meanders lazily through turns where, on the banks we see skeletons of pirates on beaches and such with the PA voicing "Dead Men Tell No Tales" repeatedly. Then, in total darkness, a little drop. But not too scary.
Did they nerf the initial drop? I guess so. But wait, more nerfing to come...
We come out of the river into the harbor and the pirate ship is much closer now. The ship seems to be captained by Jeffrey Rush's character from the movies and it appears that he is just yelling and such, probably in search of Jack Sparrow, of course. I guess his ship is bombarding the town but it's hard to tell as the big booms of the past seem also to have been, maybe not nerfed per se but "softened?" Yeah, that's it, I guess.
Then the real Mandela Effect begins. But of course we know it's not really a Mandela Effect! Yes, in our universe, the ride used to feature a scene where the pirates were man-handling the women-folk and selling them at an auction to the highest bidder (um, like you know, sex-slaves) and in some parts of the wharf-scene, the wenches were mighty feisty and had to be chased down. And once caught, well, you can imagine what these no-good pirates would do to their fresh, plucky prey. ARRRR!!
But now, we have a whole new narrative! The women are in control! The auction is for art pieces and fancy decorative items, hauled to the auction block by milky-white, formerly-entitled aristocratic men against their will. The same animatronic woman who was subjected to the years of humiliation of being the prime wench-for-sale in the old auction is now herself one of the swashbuckling, pistol-packin' pirates exploiting the decadent, rich white men of the town.
The rest of the ride is more of the same. The women are no longer oppressed or even comically presented in any way. The violence is toned down too. Yes the town is still burning, but the fires are just muted, flickering background glows. I'm actually surprised they kept the burning wood smell.
I remember, before the whole MeToo thing, there was an article sometime in the mid 2000s when the interviewer asked if there were plans to change the theme of the "Wench Bride" auction on the ride. The Disney executive, at the time, said that though they acknowledged that the scene was a depiction of an archaic mentality it would remain as a testament to emphasize how times have changed. People should remember that the ride depicts situations that are part of the past and, like piracy itself, it can be remembered for the misguided way it was, and a way of feeling pride of how far we've come.
Well, I guess now the idea is...if we pretend it never happened, it will magically disappear from our present!
My next exhibit after a quick lunch of Chipotle BBQ Beef Short Ribs sandwich with cole slaw and chips at Tortuga Tavern ($15.43 w/soft drink) was the Hall of Presidents.
This too had been apparently updated since I was here last. I think the whole video presentation was new and in my opinion much better. Of course the animatronic presidents themselves are all the same except now Barack Obama, who was the sitting president when I'd last seen this and was then center stage, was now in the back row. Our current president had a pretty neat speech about what he thought a president was and I gotta say he sounded rather, well, Presidential. Nice. The imagineers even got some of his hand gestures down like the "Okay-like thumb and forefinger meet" sign he does frequently.
"Hey!"
"What?"
"What do you call a cow with two legs?"
"What?"
"Lean Beef."