I remember in elementary school being proud and feeling special that I was elevated to the Scott-Foresman reading group, not the McGill. Named for the publishers of the text books used for either level of reading comprehension, it just worked to be that the advanced level books were published by Scott-Foresman and the standard level books by McGill. Already, in 4th grade, we kids were taught the valuable lesson of status.
In high school, I worked hard at maintaining A's and attending extracurricular activities that would advance me into the realm of either the smarter or the richer. Honors level courses, science and chess club, Junior Achievement. Yes, geeky, but potentially connected geeky...I knew this could get me places.
Turns out though, once I failed to scratch up enough to get to a decent college, I was soon on the downward escalator in the eyes of my more upwardly mobile friends.
When I took the year after graduating high school off rather than attend university right away, Lisa feared it would be the ruin of my life. That's exactly how she put it.
With the dropping out of even junior college, I lost my friendship with Nancy and Michelle. They weren't as forthcoming as Lisa, but they too smelled budding failure.
From then on, in all my entry-level, low-skilled jobs and activities, I had only "looser" friends.
That heavy-set, older guy from my Wrentham State School days (Mike?) that tried to get me to be a drug pusher by advising I invest my $8000 trust fund with the local drug lord's coke. Even had a "meeting" at the Woonsocket Motor Inn to seal the deal.
At Wrentham, I also befriended and "dated" Jeff D., a guy who had no friends, a cheap little studio apartment and was a heavy drinker and pothead. I say "dated" 'cause we really were just fuck buddies. He was a bit bear-ish for my tastes but he was eager to put his dick up my ass, so...a dick up the ass is a dick up the ass.
Linda was my last anchor to a Yuppie lifestyle by the mid-to-late-eighties but even she failed to believe in me after I started screwing up the BVC job she got me. She whispered to her BF Bill disparaging remarks about me and eventually starting treating me like a mooch (claiming I tried to cheat her with the gold chain I sold to her) and a clinger-on.
Of course, all along the course of these times was the undeniable decline of my family. My mother and father were forced to sell their house at near-foreclosure prices (shit, thinking about it now, maybe it was a short sale or pre-foreclosure, fuck if I know other than I thought it was a raw deal) and throughout the eighties and nineties moved into cheaper and cheaper accommodations due to their decreasing income and credit.
Wayne was another one who I feared would drag me down further with his weird alchy friend who late died frozen in a park, his unexplained long pinky fingernail and his confirmed "Portu-gee" ghetto upbringing according to his cousin David Leite. But perhaps he was the inspiration for a resurgence of my aspirational self. I did smash a glass on his door and it changed my life...
But it didn't last forever, did it.
My deeper connection to my parents in the later nineties likely contributed to the Sea World Slip and inspired me to move to Florida to escape my sobriety-induced depression.
Then we traipse through the Florida years of struggle and despair: Corona Summer, Justin Confusion, New London Syndrome, Spinnaker Drive Drama, DM Troubles, and Sears Problems. Then we get into what I've traditionally called Koyaanisqatsi.
I thought I came out of Koyo in early 2005 but I had more "issues" didn't I?
Convergys Malaise, Cruise Company Collapse, Symantec Kilshiemer Crisis, The Dialer Bypass Scam, The RIF, Embarq I (Embarq), The 2009 Unemployment Months, Chase Firing (really Embarq 2), The Rewards Vault Scandal, The 2010 Unemployment Months, Embarq 3 (Hewitt), and The UI Scandal.
Lakewood from 2011 was actually, in retrospect, issue free. I got a raise every year and they said they loved me. But then it all came crumbling down. After all, I'm only an entry-level employee. I'm expendable. I'm just a pawn.
And now here I am.
CVS Health hired me for an At-Home CSR, but the more I though about giving up my at home time to boring and/or frustrating CSR work, the more I soured on it. Plus, they seemed to have too many pre-requisite requirements, I bet they're hard-ass about phone time, adherence to scripted guidelines and productivity. I can't handle this right now.
And these anxieties seemed to really affect my already sensitive pee-shy issue to the point of me having outright fucking freakouts about doing a urine test. I just couldn't cope. I had to decline.
So, I guess it's good bye to my dreams. No home. no picket fence, no two point five kids (though that was outta the question already of course).
I'm looking strongly again at Van Life.
Who knows. The next post here might be from my laptop in a camper van near a Starbucks with Free Wi-Fi?
Or maybe I'll renew my horribly-jacked-up lease for another year and just watch my savings and retirement fritter steadily away.