Wear The Advocaat!

Man, it fucking floors me when I am able to vividly recall a dream upon waking and to realize the awesome power of the subconscious, and, if I may be so bold, the awesome power of my absolutely out-there imagination.

I had a dream...


I've just been elected President of the United States. A crisis soon emerges shortly after my Inauguration. A crisis so grave, that an Address to the Joint Session of Congress is called and I am before the esteemed Lawmakers of the Union, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the Justices of the Supreme Court, standing at the centrally positioned podium, flanked in the background by the Vice President (as the President of the Senate) and the Speaker of the House of Representatives, all overlooked from its glorified position just behind them by Old Glory, the Star Spangled Banner, the Flag of the United States of America...to which we all Pledge Allegiance...

Well, so far, this decidedly quasi-Imperial setup is not imaginary or fictional...it is how our bombastic, self-obsessed country goes all-out-drama-queen for the world to see, in shock and awe, on live television or live streaming media for things like this.

Seig Heil! Err, I mean, God Bless The United States of America!

But then shit gets real...

A silence descends upon the packed chamber as some official sounding speaker from some location unseen booms his voice out to the attentive assembled dignitaries:

"HEAR YE, HEAR YE!! OYA, OYA! The President of the United States, is Hereby Ordered by the Representatives of the Corporate and Religious Lobbyists PEOPLE, to account for his Actions and Standings on certain Topics and Beliefs at hand, Namely and Forthwith, without any and all further ado, the Serious and Grave allegation of the Willful and Blatant withholding of Vital and Paramount details regarding the Nature and the Being of the President of the United States, be it present at his Human Birth or some time Thereafter, resultant of the then Extant-Environment of his Rearing, or be it a Choice made Consciously by the aforementioned party of the first part which Positioned and Tainted, yeah, in fact, I say to thee, one could deem it even as "Overshadowed," however Ominous and Sinister as that may sound, his Viewpoints and Opinions, if not entirely fixing his Cognitive Evaluation on the Entirety of Reality Itself and Knowingly Subjugating the Innocent and Impressionable sheeple Citizens of this God Blessed and Entitled Land, this Alternative and Upsetting Lifestyle Direction and Avocation, ostensibly to Promote said Avocation to Occupy a Position in the Mindset of all Americas a more Noble, Viable, Acceptable and even Advocated, if not Outright Promulgated Philosophy and Way of Life which Historically, according to our Judeo-Christian Foundations, has generally been Proscribed, and Prohibited, ad sic lorem, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera!"

After an eternity of listening to this haughty preamble, The Voice finally gets to the point:

"It is so Now Ordered that the President of the United States shall Admit his Secret to the Esteemed Witnesses here Assembled, for All to Hear and See, and until then he must Wear upon his Permanent Record, an Mark of Advocaat."

Since The Voice had been so loud and pompous, the microphone, being manufactured, as all fixtures of the Capitol Building are, here in the US, naturally started to breakdown, and the word The Voice said after "Mark of," came out garbled, but sounded like he said "advocaat."

Immediately and inexplicably, a previously unseen formal tailcoat-dressed butler walked up to me and rather obviously spilled a white gloopy fluid out of one of the glasses on the serving tray he was carrying, directly onto the front of my suit jacket.

Flustered and bewildered, by all of this, I gathered my thoughts and stared blankly out into the Easter Island faces of the crowd, and, by way of intuition, what I assumed were the same expressions on the faces of the millions of viewers everywhere of the live telecast.

"Wear the Advocaat! Wear the Advocaat!" The entire chamber chanted at me. At the top of their lungs, they shouted their demand, pointed their fingers and fixed their judgmental gaze on me.

"Wear the Advocaat! Wear the Advocaat!"

Ding! Like a chime waking me out of my astounded shock and stupor, I realized what they collectively were getting at..

Of course! Now I understood. The Proclamation demanding me to "Admit" my "Secret," my "Lifestyle," and my "Way of Life." And the white gloopy drink spilled onto me...it's cum. And splatted on me just like Bill's was on Monica's blue dress.

"Oh, I get it, you want me to 'Come Out.' Well," I said "I just assumed everyone knew and frankly, in this more enlightened day and time I wasn't surprised that it really hadn't been mentioned much during the campaign, but, well, if you want it said formally, and for the record, then let me do it in stereotypical flair, pizazz and panache...after all, I wouldn't want to let you all down..."

I snapped my fingers and suddenly a troupe of hot, smooth, muscled go-go boys in nothing but incredibly tight and revealing rainbow-colored Speedos, RuPaul-tiered drag queens festooned with fluorescent-dye-dipped ostrich feather boas, twinkling sequin gowns and kickin' it killer rhinestone-bedazzled Manolo Blahniks joins me on the dias as the floor lights dim and the laser and strobe lights flash and pop to the beat of some booming house track.

In an homage to Ellen DeGeneres, back in the day, on her primetime sitcom way before the daytime talkie, I leaned forward, the music abruptly stopped and my voice blasted, feedback squeal as well, across to the entire world:

"I'm gay."

The butler leaned in to my ear and whispered to me "Well, duh, we all know that! C'mon! It's completely obvious!' No, no, you need to come clean about your blatant shunning and total disrespect of Our Lord Jesus Christ!"

The assemblage, as if on cue, all break out in chorus shouting,

"The power of Christ compels you!"

"The power of Christ compels you!"

"You, Sir, are a filthy Atheist!" admonishes the butler solemnly. "You've always been an Atheist!" Suddenly I see he's wielding a large axe, its blade dripping with sickeningly-viscous blood.

Suddenly, I recognize the butler. It's Grady from "The Shining." Those drinks he spilled, they were a presumably old-fashioned cocktail called advocaat.

"And now, Sir, it is time for me to (pronounced with succinctly-enunciated rolling Rs) CORRECT you!"

Grady raises the weapon high over his head, the crowd roars and...

I'm awake.