My short-lived dream of playing a very tiny-scale mock Monopoly game is now over. I've decided to re-sign my lease even though it's increased almost a hundred dollars this year. But even as recently as last night it wasn't a sure thing.
You see, at the beginning of the month, I got the out of the blue whim to go ahead and apply for a mortgage pre-approval. I saw a few options for either condos or small houses in the area on Zillow and got the bug. I wanted to jump in and buy a home.
As I'd posted already, I was frustrated with both my new landlord and my new boss. Both make me feel less secure than ever. The new landlord seems the epitome of nickle and dime bleed the tenants dry Simon of Legree asshole corporation and the new boss seems to fall hook, line and sinker for Charmy Googlie Eye's biased viewpoint of who she thinks I am. So I'm currently feeling vulnerable both at home and work.
So, I thought, before I get fired or I'm forced to quit, or, I'm muscled out of my apartment by a greedy new billionaire landlord who wants nothing but obscene profits off the labors of the poor, I figured I'd get my own home relying on my still extant and seemingly-secure job and my good credit.
I checked out options for pre-approval...the first step according to many web sites and YouTube real estate gurus...and Nerd Wallet suggest, among a few others, Quicken Loans Rocket Loans site.
So I fill out the application and luckily I can provide almost all the info they need. The site is set up to be very easy and fun to wade through the simple questions all presented on a slick, modern web site with easy step-by-step instructions. Nerd Wallet's review suggested that most applicants get an instant, on-line answer regarding approval and amount approved within seconds after clicking the submit button. They also praise this site for allowing people, like me, who would rather get through as much of the process of home buying without having to do a lot of face-to-face or phone conversations. It's supposed to be geared toward the introverted, socially anxious folks like me. But, in my case, I got a we'll call you answer since they had "more questions." At the time, I was hankering to get a move on since my 60-day notice of intent to vacate was due in just two weeks so I needed to feel confident about moving into a new home by then. So when I hadn't heard anything from them by noon the next day I figured I wasn't approved and they would be soon sending out a rejection email.
But around 9 pm I got an email from a Quicken Loans mortgage banker asking me to get in touch with him. I called him the next day and he asked me a few questions about my intent for the purchase as to whether it was for investment or dwelling, my price rang and my up-front costs liquidity. He made the decision to approve me for up to $120,000 with a no PMI 30-year conventional loan with a 3% down-payment comprised of 1% from me and 2% from a grant.
He also told me a rep from In-House realty, a Quicken Loans company would contact me to set me up with a buyer's agent. Now this was a red flag with me and the way it went down was even more of a red flag. Some black girl calls me within a few hours and tells me she'll set me up with a local buyer's agent who works with Quicken Loans referred buyers. This way, I was told, the process should go smoother.
The guy they set me up with was hard to get ahold of since he didn't seem to like to communicate by text or email and called me at the wrong time of day. I told the black girl that they had to respect the fact I work nights and sleep during the day but, like so many people, she either didn't care, he didn't care or they just didn't get it. Then the hurricane hit and the ensuing days afterwards where everyone was either without power or otherwise busy dealing with the inconveniences of debris, downed lines, bad traffic and limited resources. We all had shit to do other than look at or show houses for sale.
But I took the opportunity of that time to really check out a few things.
Quicken Loans was a quite controversial lender. many, many YouTube videos were devoted to telling accounts of how they were wronged by Quicken Loans. I checked out my banker online and it turns out that his name may not actually be Steve Barry as he told me but maybe Barry Steve. Huh? WTF? But it was confirmed in a few reference points that that was the case. The guy sounded like a total bohunk idiot millennial that was hustlin' for his mad stacks. During one call he disclosed that he previously was employed in the energy options field. You know, like ENRON. Maybe it was ENRON? Who knows but he sounded the type. Really, this guy sounded like the 25-year-old love child of Vin Diesel in "Boiler Room" and Al Pacino in "Glengarry Glen Ross."
The broker they set me up with had almost no web presence. His only web site was undoubtedly self coded since it was janky 1990s technology with typos and a very scammy discount offer if certain conditions are met. But his $375 document storage fee was non-negotiable and would be charged regardless. I knew it, I knew these fuckers were "no cost" to buyers. Yes sellers pay the commissions, but these greedy bastards want something from anyone at the table they can screw, and here's one way of doing it. What's more, when I wrote about my dissatisfaction with these gimmicks to him, he just ignored me. Needless to say I told him to fuck off and when I told Steve at QL, he didn't seem pleased. They probably had some deal somehow where I'd pay some fucking fee or "tax" and it's go to them both. I figure Quicken Loans would reward employees who manage to keep it all "in house."
Last night though I saw a unit on the market at Ric's condo complex and I almost halted everything and went back to my gang of thieves in order for them to lead me down the dark, dank alley where they could metaphorically mug me.
But as morning came, so came sanity. So I said good bye to my Zillow email alerts, good bye to Wynter, this other leech I'd been in touch with about a potential pre-approval from Fairwinds that never went anywhere since we couldn't manage to get in touch with each other beyond idiotic phone tag. Ah yes, the buyer's agent Neal had already, a few days ago, gotten the "good bye" but now it was the Quicken Loans 21st Century Snake Oil con-man's turn.
We'll see what I do this time next year. Hopefully I should be better equipped with more cash, more assets and the memories of this freakin' circus act to guide down a better path.
Yet I can't help but think back to those childhood games of Monopoly. Players like me knew that acquisition of as many properties as possible, as early as possible, was key, even if it meant you spent down almost to your last white dollar bill. But players like my sister moved timidly along the board, afraid to have too little in their bankroll to cover any rents or mystery card costs. They liked a stack of goldenrod and manila bills at all times, let shit go up for auction when they landed on it so they would spend their pretty money. But by mid-game, that strategy was showing its severe weaknesses. They depended primarily on passing GO for income and avoiding opponents un-mortgaged props. They wrongly assumed the game was all about accumulating cash. No, Monopoly is all about accumulating wealth. And the way to do that, in that game, is by owning as many properties as you can. No risk, no reward.
Makes we wonder if I'm playing like my sister and losing my opportunity to win. Hmm.
Maybe I'll just do what she did when I eventually go bankrupt.
I'll just flip the fucking board!