I'm trying to be "a better me."
So I'm focusing on analyzing my triggers and working out strategies to deal with them.
And, more and more it seems, it's not just my conscious mind working on these tasks. My subconscious is chugging right along as well making the valiant, and sometimes, just sometimes successful effort.
The conscious battle against most triggers, if there's gonna even be a battle at all, (It's not always there. Many times I go down with not a single protest.) is often fought as I'm en-route to or in proximity of a potential "buy." You know these, I've had names for them for years...Christie's Syndroms, Publix Crisis, and they often feature a behavior I've been doing more frequently and just named today...the Park n' Sweat. This is where I'm fighting the good fight as I'm parked in the parking lot of the store. Right there. I gotta be honest, it's probably a 75%/25% thing. With the greater figure going to the times I go in.
But today was one of the 25%. I just sat there, sweating out the inner voices trying to coax me one way or the other. Sat there watching as a fellow alchy made his way in. Oh yes, 7:30 in the morning is when we alchys go in. But I think the others are usually in a bit of a worse off state. It's probably the start of their day. Their presumably full day and evening of drinking. But for me, it's, as you know with my night shift schedule, after a long shift of work, 5 o'clock is now, it's Miller Time.
But knowing that sometimes makes my Park n' Sweats harder. 'Cause if I was getting up and hitting the stores each morning just as they're able to legally sell again, I'd probably more readily recognize the shit I was in. Or, maybe not. I think many in that shape are probably just too far gone to even have Park n' Sweats anymore. I don't want to know. That is, I don't want to progress to that point where I'll find out, first hand.
So my subconscious jumps into the fray as well. One of the weird and new behaviors to spring up? It's what I'm calling Hangunders. Huh? Well you know about hangovers: the after drinking sickness caused by dehydration, electrolyte imbalance and trace formaldehyde build up, etc. Well now I've started to have severe bouts of nausea the second I start to seriously get triggered. When my alchy mind is on a stampeded mission to buy and guzzle, my sober mind can only scream out in what's likely a very crude reptilian brain response to danger or threat...I start gagging. And I mean outright whelps of automated vomit motions as I try to fight the intense waves of nausea overcoming me. To the point of tears and sometimes even to actually vomiting. Remember though...this is all way BEFORE I touch a drop. I'm just thinking about it!
But involuntary retching is not always successful in stopping me. The last time I did it, I puked a little in my sink, picked up my keys and drove to the store, gagging and holding back more urges to vomit all along the way. Held my composure, went in, bought the usual "6-24" (6-pack and a 24 oz. like a Foster's oilcan), got home, puked again and just as I pried open the cap on my first bottle, the nausea instantly went away. My subconscious suddenly gave up. It knew the battle was over.
Man this shit sucks. Many other wagon hops have brought me up to that Pink Cloud awfully quick so it was mainly painless. But this one, she's a tough ol' bitch. And I'm not catchin' a single break. I'm white-knuckling this thing every hour of every fucking day.
And I'm only on Day 4.
So I'm focusing on analyzing my triggers and working out strategies to deal with them.
And, more and more it seems, it's not just my conscious mind working on these tasks. My subconscious is chugging right along as well making the valiant, and sometimes, just sometimes successful effort.
The conscious battle against most triggers, if there's gonna even be a battle at all, (It's not always there. Many times I go down with not a single protest.) is often fought as I'm en-route to or in proximity of a potential "buy." You know these, I've had names for them for years...Christie's Syndroms, Publix Crisis, and they often feature a behavior I've been doing more frequently and just named today...the Park n' Sweat. This is where I'm fighting the good fight as I'm parked in the parking lot of the store. Right there. I gotta be honest, it's probably a 75%/25% thing. With the greater figure going to the times I go in.
But today was one of the 25%. I just sat there, sweating out the inner voices trying to coax me one way or the other. Sat there watching as a fellow alchy made his way in. Oh yes, 7:30 in the morning is when we alchys go in. But I think the others are usually in a bit of a worse off state. It's probably the start of their day. Their presumably full day and evening of drinking. But for me, it's, as you know with my night shift schedule, after a long shift of work, 5 o'clock is now, it's Miller Time.
But knowing that sometimes makes my Park n' Sweats harder. 'Cause if I was getting up and hitting the stores each morning just as they're able to legally sell again, I'd probably more readily recognize the shit I was in. Or, maybe not. I think many in that shape are probably just too far gone to even have Park n' Sweats anymore. I don't want to know. That is, I don't want to progress to that point where I'll find out, first hand.
So my subconscious jumps into the fray as well. One of the weird and new behaviors to spring up? It's what I'm calling Hangunders. Huh? Well you know about hangovers: the after drinking sickness caused by dehydration, electrolyte imbalance and trace formaldehyde build up, etc. Well now I've started to have severe bouts of nausea the second I start to seriously get triggered. When my alchy mind is on a stampeded mission to buy and guzzle, my sober mind can only scream out in what's likely a very crude reptilian brain response to danger or threat...I start gagging. And I mean outright whelps of automated vomit motions as I try to fight the intense waves of nausea overcoming me. To the point of tears and sometimes even to actually vomiting. Remember though...this is all way BEFORE I touch a drop. I'm just thinking about it!
But involuntary retching is not always successful in stopping me. The last time I did it, I puked a little in my sink, picked up my keys and drove to the store, gagging and holding back more urges to vomit all along the way. Held my composure, went in, bought the usual "6-24" (6-pack and a 24 oz. like a Foster's oilcan), got home, puked again and just as I pried open the cap on my first bottle, the nausea instantly went away. My subconscious suddenly gave up. It knew the battle was over.
Man this shit sucks. Many other wagon hops have brought me up to that Pink Cloud awfully quick so it was mainly painless. But this one, she's a tough ol' bitch. And I'm not catchin' a single break. I'm white-knuckling this thing every hour of every fucking day.
And I'm only on Day 4.