It's none other than Candy Crush Saga, an app that's been on Facebook forever and other smartphones for quite a while, but only available for Windows phones as of a month ago.
So I saw it was a Top Gaming App in the Windows Phone App Store and, of course, it was free so I thought...eh, why not. Soon after downloading and checking it out, I could see the attraction immediately.
So many of my Facebook friends have been dealing with this addiction for a few years now. I remember getting their pleas for new "enablers" to join them in the glucose-rush nirvana they were spending countless hours in while I thought "What tools! How could they waste their time with such nonsense?" Now I see how.
In case you've been under a rock, like I've been until now, this is another in the myriad parade of "match three" sliding puzzle games that have been around forever. I remember the days of Bejeweled, Jewel Quest and Big Kahuna on the Pogo (and similar sites) web-based casual game site in the early aughts.
They were fun little time-filler games and the graphics and sounds were impressive for free games of the day. Of course they were just the newest iterations of a genre arguably begun by the grand-daddy of drop and match games: Tetris.
Back in the day, on my black and white screen (actually, green and grey) Game Boy, with its mesmerizing Russian folk dance music, I'd spend many a sleepless night spinning all manner of blocky shapes as they fell from above, faster and faster. The "match three" jewel grid games of the aughties were not as spell-binding, but they were amusing nevertheless.
But Candy Crush is on a whole new level. There are just so many things that make you feel like playing this game. Again and again and again. Like the penalty/reward psychological factor.
You have a limited number of "lives" that only renew once you've waited in a penalty box for a certain amount of time, or, if you can get one of your Facebook friends to "give" you a life in the Facebook version of the game. (By now, my friends seeing my plea for Candy Crush lives in their feed are likely thinking "What is this? Does Michael think it's 2013? He needs to get a life, IRL, the tool!") The reward, once you "get the hook up" and can play again, is the massive board-sweeping power-up matches that rack up massive pointage accompanied by gleeful bleeps and blithers of the many video-gamey point-making sounds. Not to mention the sexy, smooth, congratulatory voice of that guy that says either "Sweet, Tasty, Delicious, or Divine" depending on your point accrual success making you feel you have some candy matching skills when in actual fact the game is pretty much based on luck.
The game's theme music, so far (I'm only at around Level 23 or so right now) seems to be one of two happy, little ditties either of which you'll be humming in your head for days on end. The graphics are very colorful and happy. And the little animations and characters are sweetly rendered and, well, happy. Fuck, everything about this game is just so fucking happy! Until you fail a level. The sad music is so sad. You let the little girl down and she's crying now. Damn, little girl, I'm sorry I'm such a fuck up and can't get you your fucking candy! I want to give you diabetes, sweet little girl!
(BTW, in addition to the game-playing addiction this app causes, I've noticed a definite craving for kiddie-style penny candy when playing. I even went to 7-11 tonite to get some and munched on them while playing. Oh, and they're not "penny" candy anymore. Not at 7-11 anyway where a 4.25 oz. bag cost $1.29!)
The company that makes this app has literally earned billions (yes, that's billions with a B) of dollars on this one game. Well goody, goody gumdrops for them, the assholes (heavy jealousy feelings here). But they'll get nothing from me. No matter how much I need more lives and that little heart cries. No matter how much I fail to complete a level because of one fucking square with jelly in it that I could just smack with the lollipop tool. No matter how much I make that little girl cry.
Oh hell, it's only a couple of bucks...
FUCK!