My Voyage Aboard The Hate Boat

I grew up in a time when modern leisure cruise ships were just coming of age. "The Poseidon Adventure" and "The Love Boat" were big successes for film and television. The romance and adventure of of these depictions were inspiration for many future cruisers. Well, okay, "The Poseidon Adventure" was a disaster film, but it did have its heartfelt, endearing and hopeful moments. It expressed that even strangers grouped together on a cruise ship can look out and care for one another. And as for "The Love Boat", it reinforced the concept that cruise ships were the "happening" place to find true and everlasting love. Or at least get laid.

But having experienced first hand my virgin voyage aboard a cruise ship this past week, I can say that in my opinion, the 1970's ideal of cruising is gone. In its place runs the gamut of all manner of humanity's vices.

From the start, people seemed greedy, self-centered, entitled, purposely rude, argumentative, vain, ignorant, insensitive, racist, elitist, selfish and stubborn. A few were open-minded, cordial, friendly and helpful, but they were the exception.

Perhaps it has to do with the whole concept of cruising in the first place. Maybe back in the 70's it was innocent, chic and novel all at the same time, but now it can't be called innocent when fossil fuels are dwindling to extinction only hastened by diesel-guzzling leisure activities like sailing on a massive cruise ship. Long ago the idea of cruising as hip or chic faded. Now it's the domain of either the old, the cheap or the partiers. But mostly the old.

The trip had its good points. But for me, those were mostly relegated to things beyond the control of other human beings like the weather, the experience of being at sea: the wind, the waves, the smells, the warmth of the sun. But whenever someone else was in the picture, the goodness was diminished.

Their faces haunt my dreams. The loud and obnoxious family allowing their kids to run amok. The very old couple who couldn't be bothered to even clap during live performances that they chose to attend. The ugly old lady who whispered to me that she couldn't understand the "niggers" accents. The fat old man pointing his cane at the porters hefting his heavy luggage yelling "Where are those idiots going?". The tuxedo clad fuck who bumped into me and looked back at me with an unmistakably dismissive sneer. The supposedly Christian couple who reveled in their bartering skills "jewing down" an old Bahamian lady from $2 to $1 for a little trinket. The redneck guys yucking it up to gay jokes in the bar.

I thought the concept of the Ugly American traveler had faded into the sunset. Well not on cruise ships.

If you ever wondered why the world hates us, take a cruise. You'll see what they mean.