I just finished my second week of training and I've been acutely observing and interacting with my fellow trainees and other staff in order to testify here today that, yet again, everyone around me is crazy. What is it they say about thinking you're the only sane person in the world? Well it doesn't matter since they're crazy too!
I present to you the following cases:
Diane (our head training facilitator): She says she's been with the company for over 20 years, apparently all in customer service. She's the training facilitator but has no idea how to train. Oh yes, she's been told to use phrases like "learning curve", "post your questions to the parking lot", and "learning opportunities". And she knows not to ever confirm or deny anything. It's always, "Well, what do YOU think of that answer?"
But peel back the facade she tries hard to maintain and Diane, who looks, and somewhat acts, like the court stenographer character played by Fred Armisen on SNL, is yet another TCT. Totally clueless tool.
In her fifties and "kickin' it" (think of that other great over-the-top SNL character Sally O'Malley (played superbly by the always-hilarious Molly Shannon) Diane is married to one of the senior security guards who she calls Captain Bob and gave birth to her first baby naturally, without aid of drugs, splayed out with her hairy Flower Child legs spread wide open. Gulp. Yeah, apparently she's totally scripted and "phoning it in" when talking about work but when she shifts into personal gear...watch out!
Hopelessly lost and technologically retarded most of the day (revisit the image of Armisen's stenographer) Diane seems to get REALLY glossy right around 4:20 pm. "I can't find my brownies. I can't find my brownies."
Christian: Though he's lived and worked in the States for years, he still retains his Canadian citizenship so if the Shit Hits The Fan (like Sarah Palin becoming President) he has a retreat plan. Worked in IT for years and proudly geeky. Thin and awkwardly lanky he says he's married but admittedly loves IKEA, Volkswagen and Lady Gaga. "Contact in range, Sir!" reports the gaydar operator.
Steven: At first I took Steven for a heavy metal lovin', Colt .45 toting, Harley drivin', homophobic bonehead but after getting to know him better I found out it's worse. The real affinities are hip-hop, Springfield SV, and Honda respectively. Oh, and he loves Jesus. And yes, he thinks he's "all that and a side of fries" to women. Even though he's short, fat, zit-faced and sports a self-cut mohawk which looks like a mangy ferret decided to sleep on his head.
Giovanni: Just 20 years old, he's originally from Moscow, Russia and has been living in Florida since he was 9. He barely has an accent and speaks better English than most natural born Americans. Nice guy but tries too hard to be cool which includes playing the part of the class clown. Has been wearing the same dress pants, dress shirt and tie since day one. Stated that before we got paid yesterday, he'd had just $14 to his name. Hey man, I've been there. But oddly, he says he's got an economics degree from Rollins College. And I saw him get into his very new-looking white Toyota Camry. Hmmm.
Mike B.: Definitely into the realm of what I'd consider retirement age, Mike seems to be this office's Ross. (Remember Ross from Symantec? Creepy, silent most of the time, perpetual scowl on his face and sneaky...but, oddly, well-liked by many.) This guy too seems to carry an air of "I'm above all this" about him. Like most in his age range, he seems totally confounded by the funny black box, thin flat screen and flimsy typewriter-like keyboard on his desk in front of him. It takes up too much space as he tries to keep up, writing copious notes in his huge notebook with his pencil.
Richard: Maybe a year or two older than me, he seems, like me, to be pretty, well, normal. He seems to know the realities of this position and especially our focus in training. Shine like a bright red apple. 'Cause the instructors are watching and rating everyone, you better believe it.
It's a competition and the winners get a permanent placement. The others...the majority...get a tap on the shoulder, some unknown day, letting them know they're not needed anymore. Rich knows how to play it. I can see it in his actions.
He's only had experience at one small, family-run call center for decades. And he too looks a little like a deer in the headlights when navigating his computer systems. But I think he'll make it.
He's amiable, friendly and got lots of personality. He's also the first one in the door every morning. Though, he admits he loves a "couple" of frosty brews after he gets home to far away Apopka every evening after his almost 1 hour, traffic-infested, many-tolled commute. Hope neither of those things get to him.