First, let's get our mis-en-place together, shall we?
Prepare your cook's station by insuring there are no hindering safety practices in place even though it would be a violation of federal regulation. Regulations, smegulations...we are BP, one of the most powerful and wealthy corporations in the world. We do whatever we want. Seriously.
Next chop and assemble all manner of debris like:
- Golf balls used during many of the decadent and extravagant executive "conferences" held throughout the years.
- Rubber tires from last year's model (thus undesirable now) of gas-guzzling Hummers and Escalades owned by BP executives.
- Mud, lots of it. BP brand "mud" is made from the dirt and sand sloughed off the dead bodies of third-world victims of BP exploitation in places like Venezuela, Nigeria, Indonesia and Oman, mixed with Iraqi blood, sweat and tears.
Make sure your oil spill is at a nice hearty boil. Remember, the more oil, the better the stew! The killed marine life only adds to the flavor.
Once the surrounding ocean becomes literally thick with millions and millions of gallons of crude, add in your mud. Well that, as expected, creates only a dirtier oil spill. Time to throw in generous amounts of your other debris.
Side note: Remember one of the main components used in the manufacturing of golf balls and tires? That's right: petroleum. Isn't that simply magnifique?
After a few months, this lovely stew will be ready to serve. Just let this luscious gunk ooze all over the beaches and wetlands of the Gulf coast. If we're lucky, the currents will allow the coating of both coasts of Florida and even up the eastern seaboard. The more the merrier!
Wha la! Enjoy! I'm Chef BP...
Until next time,
Bon Apetit!