"To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man."-William Shakespeare
Look...I'm no superhero.
I don't think I'm even one other person's hero on this planet.
And I certainly don't strive to be.
But all my life I've had only one expectation of myself:
To at least be my own personal hero.
Even at a young age I impressed myself with my intelligence. Yes, it was nice being recognized as bright by others as well, but real gratification came in the form of my own acknowledgement of my own accomplishments and skills. Perhaps this has a little to do with the previously mentioned slight dual personality complex I built a tad out of proportion in order to spice up the FLASHBACK post. Oh don't frown, you've all done it in your own blogs. Call it creative editing. ;)
Creativity was another attribute I wowed myself with. The nights I spent either designing, crafting, painting, drawing, writing or even composing music made me feel on top of the world. And I distinctly remember being caught up in the moment of creative verve almost literally patting myself on the back when I felt I'd achieved a breakthrough.
From my late teens onward I discovered that I had a talent for influencing other people and I egged myself on to hone this skill more and more until eventually I found that I could easily manipulate most people. Especially in regards to being able to lead a group and inspire confidence and optimism. Here was a talent that was reinforced by immediate reciprocation from the persons impacted but it also was very appreciated by myself-truly. After all, with it I was able to get things to play out as I wanted them to.
As time marched on I learned the art of discipline, though through many trials by fire. I found that through temperance, diligence and delayed gratification I could find a higher plateau of personal gratification, satisfaction and pride.
But then, like an angel falling from Grace, I faltered in my discipline. I regressed on many avenues to the point where it would appear to the outside, unaware observer that I'd never grasped the concept in the first place.
And so I suffered. Suffering clouded, and purposely shrouded, in the "deadly sins" of lethargy, gluttony, jealousy and disdain.
But then I found THE LORD. Praise JESUS.
Ummm, NOT!
(Sorry to cause a bit of panic to my fellow atheist readers...fear not...a fairy-tale fictional bogeyman will not guide me to "the light")
So what sustains my goal of living up to my own expectations?
Honesty and independence, baby! That's what it's all about. And that, I feel, is what I got goin' good for me.
Trying to win back some of the benefits of good ole discipline, but it's a baby step process.
Teeny weeny, but much applauded (if only by my own set of hands) baby steps.
Yay!