A little late, now that it's been a month and a half since we "graduated" from training, but here it is as promised. The new job co-worker roast!Vivian: Remember when Gilda Radner did her "mentally challenged girl" impression? This is Vivian. She was the first to chat me up in the lobby when we appeared for our first day of training (no, not "chat me up" in the British sense meaning flirt with me, but just simply chat with me). Vivian is the epitome of the dumb blond...and she ain't even natural blond! I guess that makes her an unnatural dumb blond. Her nightly breakdowns in training were hilarious to sit back and watch. She'd fall apart over the simplest concept and start cussing and crying...literally! She'd throw off her headset in frustration and storm out of the room for hours on end. You're thinking she didn't make it, right? Wrong. She's still with us although I think she's learned to get wasted before work now. She has this perpetual glazed-over Thorazine aura about her.
Jed: One glance upon this thin, tall, head-shaved, tanned and lanky dude and your gaydar beeps outta control. I mean, Jed is the stereotypical "catty fag". Like Daniel from Symantec, Jed has the swishy carefree gait, "give a fuck" attitude, and sour-faced condescending demeanor, yet, in truth, is as stupid as all shit. His fag-hag Amy is another trainee in the class and they are practically inseparable. Like all tight fag/fag-hag relationships, they nauseatingly complete each others sentences, constantly whisper-gossip rudely about everyone else and inappropriately giggle non-stop.
Heather: Another dame with nothing between her ears, she needed so much in-depth explanation for concepts we would never run across on a usual basis, like the interchange third-party processors for credit card transactions...who cares? Yet her irrepressible bubbly bon vivance on the phone and down-home, "frankly-speaking" way of talking wins her relatively hassle-free calls and easy sales. At the cost of handletime though. In her late forties but with good enough skin and a thin enough body to still try to get away with body-fitting dresses and a desperate "fuck me while I can still get wet" attitude.
Tisha (short for LaTishandaqua): First impression: Her welfare must have run out. Upon further review: You're right! Fixin' to pay her chitlin' bills and keep her baby daddy and herself in crack, Tisha slams her callers hard for that sale. Nonchalant about it, she's no doubt using every tactic in the book to hurriedly "get the going while the going is good...praise the Lord!" before they fire her busted-out booty. Then she'll git Tyrone to knife her manager and jack their car. Can chop that sucka up fo' mo' dope, my nigga! Sheeee!
Mark: One of the prissy Hallmark card tea party types, Mark brought Godiva chocolates for everyone several times throughout training...just because. (cue the saintly harp music) (Ya, and because your husband probably works at a high-end sweets boutique like Schokolade.) Of course Mark already has two Disney credit cards. I'm sure he screams out like Minnie Mouse in a high-pitched falsetto when his leather-clad chubby-bear hubby makes him snort poppers and plows his tight little ass every night.
Oscar: Though coming across very down-to-earth and "simple", Oscar alludes often to his Cuban cigar tastes, rare Single Malt scotch collection and his beloved hometown, the city by the bay, San Francisco. He pines for the days when he'd be flown in the company jet up and down the West Coast wooing his film industry clients with thousand-dollar dinners and expensive gifts. Then he moved to Florida, got into the real estate business and sold a crapload of sub-prime mortgages for beaucoup profit! When that industry bottomed out due in large part to its own "success", he came here. Now he sits next to me up on the floor, chained to the phone, just like me. Just another slave breaking his back rowing the galley ship. My how the mighty do fall.
The weird girl from Charlotte's first class: Okay, this short frumpy-looking chick from the class next to ours kept staring at me through her nerdy wire-framed granny glasses in the halls on breaks and such. And I mean stare! She doesn't let up. And me, being all high-and-mighty of course, I won't acknowledge her. The more you try to get my attention, the more I won't grant it...I'm evil like that. Well, now even when I see her on the floor upstairs, she's still doin' it. And that's only when I see her. Think of all the times she might be doing this when I really don't see her. Creepy.