Honesty is such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honest is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
Honesty - Billy Joel
Ok, I'm tired of padding my resume every time I have to go out there and find a new job. Don't get me wrong, I've done this so many times over the years and the hundreds of interviews I attended that I'd say I'm pretty darn good at it. Heck, just because of the number of years I've been "out there" in the workforce, even "unpadded" I can show more real experience than say, Sarah Palin...
Well, I'm feeling a little like gruff but lovable Gus, the bookmobile driver. (If you don't get this reference, too bad:)
Gus didn't say much, but his deadpan mug gave up more than words could convey...he was brutally honest. Honest to a fault one might say.
So I decided to "rewrite" my resume and have it give a deadly accurate picture of the type of worker I am. Something a little meaty and gritty for a prospective employer to chew on, you could say.
Methinks they won't be swallowing:
Your New Prospective Employee?
A one room former garage on a barely paved dead end road
An Overpriced Community, A Hot and Humid State
A pre-paid Go Phone since I don’t have the credit for a “real” cell phone
Objective
To get you to pay me for as little work or responsibility as humanly possible.
It wouldn’t suck if I could easily steal from you as well.
Education
3 poorly-attended semesters at a small, under funded community college mainly attended by GED grads and bored retirees, 1983-1985, Did Not Graduate. Major: Fine Arts…worthless field for call center work
Work “Experience”
A Well-Known Software Corporation (as a temp 2006, employee Dec. 2006-2008)
Senior Slacker Extraordinaire
Taught virtually nothing and thrown into position uninformed; learned to BS people from day one. Eventually pretended to take calls and tricked system into reporting false stats freeing me up for more important things like cruising the Web, writing in my blog, playing Peggle, and taking catnaps. Hung up on hundreds and hundreds of customers without them ever getting through to me, falsified casework to make it look like I did something, sat in my cubicle goofing off every single day.
A Big Outsourcing Call Center Corporation (whenever I felt like it during 2005)
Bitch and Whine Sounding Board Specialist I
High volume inbound calls from cranky cell phone users bitter about Life, the Universe and Everything. Recited scripted phrases as needed but rolled eyes and made faces at idiots spewing their oral shit at me. Trained extensively by uninformed and jaded training and supervisory staff on how to get by doing nothing. Repeatedly lied to folks that they were getting a better deal when they had to pay more for poorer service. Burned out and left mid-shift never going back.
A Fly-By-Night Scam Offering “Guaranteed” Govt. Grants, LLC (a few months in 2003 and again in 2004)
Hungover Telephone Predator
Consistently stole hundreds of dollars from redneck morons thinking they were getting “the hook up”. Superior deception skills and out right lies to cater to semi-retarded losers’ greed and laziness. Threatened and insulted people telling them they’d be hunted by the government to avoid cancels. Needed to carefully construct pitch so that the owners would get nabbed by the FBI, not me. Which is what happened eventually, of course.
Vinyl Siding Telemarketer (many hungover mornings from 2000-2002)
Phony Telemarketing Trainer
Designed and implemented course based on the Don Lapre method of deception: promise anything. Managed training curriculum to keep low-skilled, usually mentally diminished idiots off welfare. Designed and implemented a useless management training class comprised of stolen ideas and concepts. Photocopied cheap materials to make it look like I was doing something. Abandoned job to get drunk.
The Biggest Telemarketer in the Country (not usually full workdays from 1998-2000)
Sleazy Telemarketing Assistant Manager
Lorded over 60 losers who couldn’t get better jobs; good ones got cheap little prizes, poor ones got fired. Worked with 4 supervisors reporting to me getting them to do all the work while I nursed my hangovers. Interviewed, hired and trained reps for office. Taught them how to brutally ripoff people over the phone. Consistently fell under pie-in-the-sky sales targets set by idiot project managers who had no experience. Promoted from within by sucking up to my boss since I hardly ever showed up. Eventually forced to resign.
Everyone is so untrue
Honest is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you
Honesty - Billy Joel
Ok, I'm tired of padding my resume every time I have to go out there and find a new job. Don't get me wrong, I've done this so many times over the years and the hundreds of interviews I attended that I'd say I'm pretty darn good at it. Heck, just because of the number of years I've been "out there" in the workforce, even "unpadded" I can show more real experience than say, Sarah Palin...
Well, I'm feeling a little like gruff but lovable Gus, the bookmobile driver. (If you don't get this reference, too bad:)
Gus didn't say much, but his deadpan mug gave up more than words could convey...he was brutally honest. Honest to a fault one might say.
So I decided to "rewrite" my resume and have it give a deadly accurate picture of the type of worker I am. Something a little meaty and gritty for a prospective employer to chew on, you could say.
Methinks they won't be swallowing:
Your New Prospective Employee?
A one room former garage on a barely paved dead end road
An Overpriced Community, A Hot and Humid State
A pre-paid Go Phone since I don’t have the credit for a “real” cell phone
Objective
To get you to pay me for as little work or responsibility as humanly possible.
It wouldn’t suck if I could easily steal from you as well.
Education
3 poorly-attended semesters at a small, under funded community college mainly attended by GED grads and bored retirees, 1983-1985, Did Not Graduate. Major: Fine Arts…worthless field for call center work
Work “Experience”
A Well-Known Software Corporation (as a temp 2006, employee Dec. 2006-2008)
Senior Slacker Extraordinaire
Taught virtually nothing and thrown into position uninformed; learned to BS people from day one. Eventually pretended to take calls and tricked system into reporting false stats freeing me up for more important things like cruising the Web, writing in my blog, playing Peggle, and taking catnaps. Hung up on hundreds and hundreds of customers without them ever getting through to me, falsified casework to make it look like I did something, sat in my cubicle goofing off every single day.
A Big Outsourcing Call Center Corporation (whenever I felt like it during 2005)
Bitch and Whine Sounding Board Specialist I
High volume inbound calls from cranky cell phone users bitter about Life, the Universe and Everything. Recited scripted phrases as needed but rolled eyes and made faces at idiots spewing their oral shit at me. Trained extensively by uninformed and jaded training and supervisory staff on how to get by doing nothing. Repeatedly lied to folks that they were getting a better deal when they had to pay more for poorer service. Burned out and left mid-shift never going back.
A Fly-By-Night Scam Offering “Guaranteed” Govt. Grants, LLC (a few months in 2003 and again in 2004)
Hungover Telephone Predator
Consistently stole hundreds of dollars from redneck morons thinking they were getting “the hook up”. Superior deception skills and out right lies to cater to semi-retarded losers’ greed and laziness. Threatened and insulted people telling them they’d be hunted by the government to avoid cancels. Needed to carefully construct pitch so that the owners would get nabbed by the FBI, not me. Which is what happened eventually, of course.
Vinyl Siding Telemarketer (many hungover mornings from 2000-2002)
Phony Telemarketing Trainer
Designed and implemented course based on the Don Lapre method of deception: promise anything. Managed training curriculum to keep low-skilled, usually mentally diminished idiots off welfare. Designed and implemented a useless management training class comprised of stolen ideas and concepts. Photocopied cheap materials to make it look like I was doing something. Abandoned job to get drunk.
The Biggest Telemarketer in the Country (not usually full workdays from 1998-2000)
Sleazy Telemarketing Assistant Manager
Lorded over 60 losers who couldn’t get better jobs; good ones got cheap little prizes, poor ones got fired. Worked with 4 supervisors reporting to me getting them to do all the work while I nursed my hangovers. Interviewed, hired and trained reps for office. Taught them how to brutally ripoff people over the phone. Consistently fell under pie-in-the-sky sales targets set by idiot project managers who had no experience. Promoted from within by sucking up to my boss since I hardly ever showed up. Eventually forced to resign.