Is that all there is?
If that's all there is my friends, then let's keep dancing...
Let's break out the booze and have a ball.
If that's all there is.
Is That All There Is? - Peggy Lee
For decades I've followed that advice, my friends, but as so dramatically we've come to witness in the past few years, at least the "break out the booze" part has got to go.
So I think I've moved into my "cleaning house" phase. You know, as they say in AA, you got to make changes if you are gonna "work the steps"...some crap like that. But they are right about one thing. You have to identify and "take care of" the co-dependents and enablers in your life. That is; change the "people, places and things" that hinder our recovery. And, folks, what they really mean is...get rid of your drinking friends and family if they are holding you back.
I've never had a big issue with this aspect of the philosophy. They don't come right out and say it, c'mon, that would make them sound "cult" like...if they are not an adherent, eliminate them from your life. AA - a cult? Nooooooo! ;)
But that is what they mean. And I've know a few people who have taken the program to heart and did just that...broke all ties with anyone what wasn't either totally alcohol-free to begin with or "in program".
The family is the hardest part, I would expect, for most people.
Not for me, I've already done that.
For me it's the friend part. I've never been one to have a gaggle of "friends". I put friends in quotes since the people I know or have known that seem to have a cell phone full of numbers and are the most popular, really don't seem to have many more really good, close friends than I tend to have.
I still consider Alicison, John C., Wayne, and even Jay to be friends. But they are all outside of the local area (Alabama, Rhode Island, Massachusetts, Louisiana) so I don't maintain contact with them. So does that make me still a friend? Maybe not. But I still like them, so it's not like I've discontinued communications with them because of a falling out. It's just that, I'm too focused on the here and now. I prescribe too literally, perhaps, to the adage: out of sight, out of mind.
"So what's this all about, Bubby?", you may be asking yourself. And apparently you call me "Bubby" for some reason.
"What's with the Ernest Hemingway reference, the sad Peggy Lee clip and the post at 5 o'clock in the morning?"
"You ain't gonna do somethin' stupid, are you? You do have prescription pills and a razor blade nearby..."
Well, thanks for your concern, but no, I'm not going to off myself or anything. Besides, the strongest pills I have are Naproxen which probably wouldn't do anything really bad except in very high doses. It's just fuckin' Aleve that costs twice the OTC price. And the razor is a safety disposable Schick Extreme or some stupid name like that...yeah, "extreme" all right...extreme price! Why are safety razors so expensive? They're no more than 3 tiny thin blades in a plastic handle. And the blades are steel, not platinum. Geesh!
No, the bell tolls for Ric.
Yep, again.
Yes, I know I was supposedly through with him last June when he kicked me out of his condo, and last October after Halloween Horror Nights, and last December after Jax and the wet laundry incident. And we can go back in time, to this, and many others like it. And that's just within the more recent years. Never mind all the crap of the past 10 years in total.
Yeah, that's right. November of this year would make it ten years I've been friends with Ric.
And during the past ten years, my life has progressively gone more and more into the toilet. Now don't get me wrong, I don't blame every bad thing on him, but he can be named a responsible party or a contributor at least to some of it.
I don't know. We'll see how long this isolation, or should we say, extraction, will last. Extraction...like you'd do to a bad tooth. That fits the bill.
He doesn't even know it yet. That how it is with me. I've made the analogy to straws breaking a camels back before, but that says it to a tee. And when I cut you out of my life, it isn't a snap decision. It, like this case, takes a lot of attempts at reconciliation and a ton of soul searching.
But when it comes, finally, it's like a mob hit.
Ray Liotta has a great line in "Goodfellas" late in the film. He's being arrested as he's sitting in his car in the driveway of his house. The cops point their guns at him and he hears the gun cock in his left ear as they yell "freeze!". He says, in a voice over: "At first I thought it was Paulie's crew coming to take me out. But then I realized, it had to be the cops. If it had been goodfellas, I'd already be dead. You see, when the mob whacks you, you don't hear nothing. It's just bang. You're dead."
That's how it is with me.
Bang, you're nothing to me.
That's all there is.