Thursday, January 17, 2008

Against Roe v. Wade?

Then you may as well kill yourself to save the numerous organisms you'll murder, mercilessly, in your lifetime...whatever is left of it.

That's right...you'll croak eventually anyway, but if you do it now, at least your decomposing flesh (assuming that, as a devout Christian, you won't cremate yourself) will serve to aid in the propagation of numerous parasitic species a little bit sooner, so that there may be countless more living organisms attributed to your legacy on the Earth in a few billion years from now when, by the red giant expansion of the dying sun, the planet is destroyed.

Hmmm, kinda puts it into perspective, doesn't it?

How strange, as I am writing this, a campaign ad for Mitt Romney appears on my TV.

I wonder if he'd agree with me. I think not.

He probably agrees with his buddy Huckabee that the Earth was created in 6 days, oh, about 4 or 5 thousand years ago.

(Pun intended) HOLY FUCK!

Mark my word...if a Republican is again elected as the next President...I will be moving to Canada!

I will set aside my winter coat fund...just in case.

Speaking of setting aside a fund to pay for an upcoming expense...

The recent issues, very prominent here in Central Florida, concerning actor Wesley Snipes have got me concerned.

Snipes is on trial for tax fraud and it was reported that he hadn't filed a tax return since 1997.

Um, I haven't filed since 2002. GULP!

And I don't have the bucks to shell out for an expensive defense legal team like him. I'd be so screwed.

I went to Uno's a couple weekends ago when I knew Ric would show up. He did. He sat on the other side of the bar, but after a couple of hours of him trying to unsuccessfully beat me in NTN trivia, we decided to bury the hatchet. I went to his house; he had a new Playstation karaoke game. We played, had fun and he was alright. I guess the feud is over. For now.

Had a PTO day Tuesday and went to both Magic Kingdom and MGM (Now known as Disney Hollywood Studios)...I think locals, at least, will still call it MGM for a while longer.

Then made my way downtown, had a few beers and margaritas at Wall St. Cantina and walked over to the Bob Carr Theater to see my fav, Kathy Griffin.

I bought the ticket over amonth ago and couldn't wait until this night...like I was a kid waiting for Christmas.

Her show was amazing and she had a lot of new material, but, I have a few critiques.

Bob Carr is not what I would consider an "A-List" venue, yet amazingly, it's the only professional caliber theater in the Orlando metro area.

It's architecture and interior decor are totally 1975! And small...the stage was barely big enough for a stand-up comedy show...what horror if it is that size for my upcoming viewing of "Wicked" in April. My only hope is that it did look like the proscenium was collapsible and could accommodate a bigger stage for bigger performances like a Broadway musical.

Well a new Project Runway is on (actually I think it's a repeat from last week but I didn't see it) so I gotta go. 2 current reality competition shows tear me away from my computer..this and The Amazing Race.

Soon, it'll be joined by "American Idol" again once it gets really going in the next few weeks.

Hey, I grew up with the Boob Tube tit to suckle on...it's hard weaning off it! :)

I should be happy. at least, that I wasn't aborted, eh?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

"The Office" Has Nothing On Our Office

I'm not a frequent watcher of the NBC hit series "The Office", but I've seen it a couple times and know enough from the media buzz about it to get the idea of what it's about. In my opinion, it's just a slightly modified twist, via the fake "reality show" filming concept, of a tried and true sitcom centering on the myriad of quirky people who work in your typical American office environment. Can you say "Mary Tyler Moore Show", "Spin City", "NewsRadio", "Just Shoot Me", "Suddenly Susan", and "WKRP In Cincinnati", to name a few?

The other big difference from these precursor shows seems to be the "product" of the office in question. For all of the above mentioned examples of "traditional" sitcoms, they work in offices which deal with either broadcasting, publishing or politics...kinda interesting subjects. The fictional company in "The Office" is a manufacturer of paper. Ho hum, right?

So though I don't watch the show, I can bet you that, unlike it's predecessors, it doesn't tie in some of the interesting things that can happen when your in a "hip" business:

No live broadcast TelePrompter breakdowns forcing the anchor to ad-lib.

No trying to explain the speech the bumbling mayor just mangled.

No hilarious sexual tension when hot supermodels show up for their shoot

No tension between old and new radio formats

I mean, would it be funny to see a character from "The Office" mulling over whether they should be pushing canary yellow or manila as a color choice for premium copier paper?

But in this vein I present to you, our office...

The show wouldn't focus on customer care for a security and storage software company and what we really do. (Big Snore!)

But the show would expose all the weird characters and their oddities. Freakish oddities according to some accounts.

Here are the real characters according to my viewpoint:

Sean-
Thinks no one knows he's screwing the boss, is a rabid Patriots fan from the Northshore of Boston. Despite a decade of living in the Sunshine State, has yet to shake his blue-collar trailer trash accent which not only makes him sound retarded, but stupid as well. He's all straight-boy, but, for some odd reason, can't stop giving manly hugs and grabs to all the male staff he can come into contact daily. Can you say closet case?

Jill (The Boss)-
Late 40 year old Big Biker Chick. I'm surprised she doesn't live in some rundown roach-infested motel room on A1A in Daytona, hookin' her flaccid clit for her next fix. Fucking Sean because 32 year old guys that have 18 year old kids turns her on. (Yeah, you do the math!)

Nancy-
Missy Suero, if Your Nasty, Dawg! Dresses like she is running for Miss Whore USA. Has to ask her subordinates how to do her job every 5 minutes. Sounds and acts just like Fran Dresher in "The Nanny". "oh, Mista Sheffield!..."

Jorge-
I think he just stares at his computer monitor all day. No apparent evidence of any work actually done. George Costanza would be very proud. He is a true slacker even to his systemic abilities to remain healthy. Shuffles slowly across the floor from place to place and has a perpetual nasal drip/congestion issue.

Patricia-
At first I thought she was the brains of the original crew, but soon learned that's all smoke and mirrors. Every fuckin' sentence outta her mouth begins with "So....". Reminds me of 11th grade when that idiot French Appreciation teacher kept repeating "okay" to the point of my accounting a tick mark for each occurance covering my brown paper bag book cover with a totally encompassing mass of graphite.

So that's the "management", now on to some of the plebes:

Jennifer-
Unbeknownst to anyone else in the office, she is actually a dude. That's why she covers herself in 3 pounds of makeup and the noxious fumes emanate from her cubicle when she needs to wax her legs and chest and spray herself down with cheap perfume to cover up her duct-taped sweaty smegma scent wafting up from her hidden candy.

Daisy-
Has a tattoo which says "Lillian" which she doesn't want to talk about. Yells at customers and makes them feel small and worthless. She is the office dominatrix albeit she is homely, zit-covered and smelling of cheap vodka.

Cordella-
From Jamaica by way of, all places, Oregon. The whitest-sounding black chick you ever heard. Oh sure, she tries using hip-hop popular Ebonics-inspired phrases but it actually seems more hilarious and inappropriate coming from her than if Ron Howard uttered them.

Daniel-
This guy makes me look straight. By far the queerest co-worker in any job I've worked for. But, oddly enough, I don't think he has actually come out yet. Unlike Marshall and Mike and Jeff and Kevin (huff, huff, shall I go on?) he is not admitting outwardly that he's a big homo. C'mon girl friend! He's "kattier" than Wayne, Michael P., Jerry C. and Gary all rolled in one! That's sayin' a lot. I would hate to get into a cat fight with him. Rrrrooowww!

So (OMG, I'm starting to sound like Patricia starting each sentence with "So"!) this is my work place.

Is it any wonder why I get stressed?

(Cue the "APPLAUSE" sign)

The audience laughs and claps.

Fade to credits...