Monday, February 22, 2010

Horrible Help Wanted Ads

Here are some real Craigslist ads only slightly edited to omit contact info and such (since I don't think they deserve to be contacted). It's not much fun looking for a job in this economic environment...almost everyone wants to screw you:

do you like to smile and talk to pepole?are you ful of energy?
we are looking for you in the "irisimprassion" fasion compeny.

only females are needed.preferd spanish or portuguese knowlage.
we pay base pluse commission.
pls e-mail us your phone and about you.can start right awey.


Perhaps you could serve as a rudimentary spell checker too?

CLOSERS !!!! ARE YOU LOOKING TO MAKE BIG $$$$
I am looking for loud , EXCITED , bulldog closers. If you are in customer service or like to be then this WILL NOT be for you. Sales reps in this industry are in the top 1 % of all americans in terms of income. We are a breed of our own. I am looking for the people that are tired of watching people make great livings and want to make a great living. I am looking for the best or those that want to be the best. I am in short looking for phone killers. Are you that guy or gal ? Can you see yourself making 10 - 20 k per month because you worked hard then this is were you belong. To qualify you must have miles of heart , drive , and self dedication.
****** YOU MUST ALSO HAVE TRANSPORTATION !
This is not a job for the weak. This is not a job for the whiners that like making 8-10.00 per hour. This is for KILLERS. This is for those people out there that MUST make six figures. If this is you then you can start on Monday !!!!! You have to prove that. You say that you are a closer I say that is a title that you must earn.
SALES - THE FEW , THE PROUD , THE WEALTHY !


Um, about that 8 - 10 dollars per hour...yeah, that's what you'll be makin'. Go get 'em, Tiger!

WERE YOU A CHEERLEADER OR ON THE SWIM TEAM IN HIGHSCHOOL OR COLLEGE? LOOKING FOR FEMALES BETWEEN THE AGES OF 18-26 FOR AMATEUR PICTURES OR VIDEO. NO NUDITY REQUIRED BUT YOU MUST BE OPEN MINDED. IF YOU STILL HAVE YOUR UNIFORM THATS A PLUS. IM LOOKING SPECIFICALLY FOR FORMER CHEERLEADERS OR SWIMMERS. YOU MUST BE OVER 18 WITH PROOF. EASY MONEY IN A RELAXED ATMOSPHERE

No nudity required. Well, except for your titties, bedunkadunk and coochie-cooch areas.

Italian director is looking for a young, cute, handsome, white, open mind and uninhibited actor/model fro the first role in the theatre production" The Houseboy" in Italy in May and in Florida later. Age 20 - 30 yo. The play contains some full frontal and rear nudity. It is not a porn show!

Oh, it's not porno...it's Digiorno! Oh, something will be self-rising...and it ain't pizza crust!

SIGN SPINNERS FRI-SAT-SUN- $7.50 AN HOUR
12PM-7PM- CALL xxx-xxx-xxxx
FIRST 2 CALLERS GET THE JOB.


It took me a second to figure out what a sign spinner was. Oh, those guys who stand out on the street corner trying to distract passing motorists. Hmmm, first 2 callers get the job. It's like a radio contest. Actually, of all these, this may be the best offer of the bunch.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

David Slays Goliath

48 As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him. 49 Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground. - 1 Samuel 17*

*(Wow, a Bible quote. Don't worry, it doesn't signify anything "deep"; it just fits the story.)

As you may remember from previous posts, I'd been worried that the hearing initiated by my former employer through the Unemployment office would likely mean a halt to my unemployment checks and a payback amount due.

Even after the telephone hearing I didn't have high hopes.

Tuesday morning I went to my mailbox and saw an envelope from the Unemployment office. Well, here it is, I assumed, the fatal decision to make me penniless and drop a hefty debt onto my emasculated finances as well.

When I scanned the very legalese worded letter, I had to re-read it twice, more carefully each time to be sure I was comprehending its declaration correctly. I was, but I couldn't believe my eyes.

I won!

The State sided with me and against one of the largest corporations in the country.

I keep what they've paid me and I can continue to receive benefits.

Now if I could only metaphorically do to Chase what David did to Goliath as a final act of gratification and defiance:

51 David ran and stood over him. He took hold of the Philistine's sword and drew it from the scabbard. After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

FLASHBACK: Spring 1976

They dubbed me "The Man with the Master Plan".

I was a respected member of a local gang.

Well, as much of a "gang" as a white-bred suburban New England town would allow. And at the average age of 12 we weren't that intimidating at all. The most we ever "jacked" was a couple of ice cream sandwiches from the back of a Schwan's truck.

But most of us were "tough talkin'" Fairmount project rats.

Not me. I was quite happy that my parents had been able to move us out of the East Woonsocket project known as Morin Heights to here in what was arguably the more "upscale" South Main Street district. But the other boys all lived, literally, on the other side of the tracks just to the north of my neighborhood in the infamous Borden Boulevard projects.

"The Boulevard" as it was known, was supposedly much worse than its Morin Heights lookalike located 5 miles away. Though certainly not due to our escapades. Mainly adult crimes, like drugs and domestic assaults. These were the days when, at least in our part of the world, these vices hadn't yet percolated down into the pre-teen community.

So, probably because of the unsavory atmosphere of their own neighborhood, our gang hung out together near my house.

Our biggest "crime" we ever undertook was breaking into an old abandoned house just a block away from where I lived. The building was a little larger than the usual single-family cottages around it and didn't quite look like it was designed to be a house. We found that we could slightly pry off one of the plywood boards covering a back window just enough for Scott, the thinnest among us to squeeze through. Once in, he made his way to the basement and unlatched the bulkhead doors. (The main doors were also heavily boarded up)

Once inside we saw that it was set up as a hall with several tables and chairs strewn about. We found a kitchen area that still had stacks of plain white ceramic plates, and we soon came up with the idea that they would look much better as shattered shards.

In the basement, we discovered rows of old wooden fold-up chairs and a lectern. In a (cloak room?) we found the most disturbing items which haunted me for years later...a bin full of grey fake beards! You know, the kind they use for disguises or plays. What the fuck was that about?

I found out much later that the house was actually an old Odd Fellows lodge. They might have used those beards in some ritual or something. I think that makes it even creepier.

So after a couple hours of smashing old dishes and such (alas, as a testament to how amateur a gang we actually were: we had no cans of spray paint to tag up the joint) we got bored and made our way back to our respective homes.

By now, our mothers had dinner waiting for us and we didn't want to get in trouble for letting it get cold.

Monday, February 15, 2010

These Are The Days

Once upon a time there was a tavern
Where we used to raise a glass or two
Remember how we laughed away the hours
And dreamed of all the great things we would do
Those were the days my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way.
La la la la...
Those were the days, oh yes those were the days

"Those Were The Days" - Mary Hopkin

Time.

Time has a way of resolving all wounds. I won't say "heal" since that's not always the case, but resolve for sure. One way or another.

I've had time lately, as you know. And that time has been spent both wisely and unwisely. That's the great benefit of having lots of it, you can squander quite a bit and still make out well.

The good of it has been the time needed to do some serious introspective searching. And what I've found is again a paradox...ugly and awesome at once. Good and evil, if you will, existing in perpetual harmony, as ironic as that may sound.

It's the yin and yan, baby!

I now know that my true vocation in life is to be an observer. Ya, that's right, I'm the fat bald guy who hires the two whores to do each other while he sits in a chair a few feet away, grabbin' his tool while he watches. Or maybe not touching anything, but saving it for later. Ya, that's it...

I'm that guy. Metaphorically speaking, of course. ;)

The telephone hearing took place last Thursday. Chase had a slick talkin' lawyer presenting their side. Laura was a "witness" for them. Oh the vomit I had to hold back as I heard her bitchy voice squawking on my phone!

It was conducted like a real courtroom trial with each side questioning and given the chance to cross-examine, all to summarize with closing statements. How formal. All to just do the inevitable. I'll probably get a nice formal letter in the mail in the next few days notifying me of their decision. What do you think it'll be?

Ric went by himself on a mini-vacation to Key West a couple weeks ago ostensibly to celebrate his 47th (gulp) birthday but really an excuse to get fucked up and perhaps laid. Though, like me, I don't actually think he's all into the quickie thing too much.

I wonder if he has Mr. Peeper problems too. It's common with us men of a certain age. That's why the drug companies make soooo much money selling their "happy pills".

Actually, I think his excuse for not getting it more often is really that once he opens his mouth to let words flow out, any prospective bedder runs the other way, fast.

In any event, he didn't get laid, but did get fucked up and said he had a blast. Now he's back workin' for his devil of a company 21st Century, aka AIG in sheep's clothing. Now that Farmer's is taking them over, he says, the work environment has gotten even worse. Man, how many levels of Hell did Dante say there were?

We've been playing our sometimes marathon Direct IP Civilization games as usual but within the past few days I've put that all on hiatus. I need a break from it...and, ultimately, him.

The game I've totally been into, almost literally, lately is Oblivion. Yes, I've had this for years but when I first bought it, already on the bargain shelf, I loaded it up and it had lag issues even on the lowest graphics settings. But that was on Mildred 11. I tried it recently, on a whim, on the laptop and it runs fine. The splash screen says it's optimized for ATI Radeon which is what the laptop has, but I know that's just paid-for product placement. Or is it? 'Cause it hated M11 even with her higher-end NVIDIA. Hmmm.

So I've been ignoring the real world, instead playing a fantasy themed RPG replete with dungeons and castles and swords and battlemages, completing quests for slain emperors, Elven wizards and Orcish knights to the wee hours of the morning. I have both computers running on the desktop together. One for referencing the Elder Scrolls WIKI the other for playing the game. I even have a red wax jar candle glowing nearby with a knight and a wizard figurine around it (I kid you not!).


Yes, I wear my geekness proudly!

So now as the night slips past the witching hour and the candlelight flickers upon my keyboard, I'm reminded that "someone" has to close those infernal Oblivion gates. I must don my Dwarven cuirass, and grab my silver claymore for the glory and honor of Cyrodill!

Oh, and also to help forget that I'll soon be living in a cardboard box down by the river.

Friday, February 05, 2010

The '09-'10 Winter Retirement Update

I've mentioned before, I'm sure, how I view these lapses in my gainful employment not entirely under a negative light. In fact, I try to treat them as stints of a mini retirement of sorts. Why not? No use getting all depressed and anxious about it all. It doesn't make the situation any better. Besides, let's face it, for this current run, I all but planned it in the first place.

These past few months (Wow, has it been months already? Yeah, I guess so. Almost three of them now.) have been so relaxing and liberating. True, on my meager Unemployment Benefit income I've had to be very careful with spending, but it doesn't take much money to keep me happy. Just having the boundless array of virtually unlimited hours and hours to do what I want and when I want. That's very liberating and quite enjoyable enough.

Have you ever...

Sat in a comfortable chair near a window watching for countless hours as sunbeams play hide and seek with the clouds?

Driven down a country road with no purpose, turning onto unknown streets and following them for as long as you wish without a care as to your destination?

Slept so many hours that when you finally wake up it's two calendar days later?

Yeah, to me...this is Heaven.

But lately, tiny little fissures are starting to appear on the surface of the glass bubble I presently am shrouded by.

My doctor, you know, the new one in Longwood, is starting to get antsy, like the former one, wanting me to come in for an appointment. Without an appointment, they'll be rejecting the pharmacy requests for refills. Well, without insurance, this would be prohibitively expensive. So unless I arrange to see a free county clinic (aka SNL's Appalachian Emergency Room), I'll have to soon be weening off my meds. Who knows how this may affect my health?

I'm paying rent each month but since I essentially skipped one payment in December I'm really a month in arrears. I saw my landlord the other day and waved to him as I was backing my car out of the driveway. He didn't seem pissed but I know that he'll eventually start to ask me about the missing payment. I've discovered that he has some big money issues of his own, owing creditors thousands of dollars and in some cases more than 90 days past due. I had always assumed he was quite affluent but I guess things are rough all over. Could it mean the potential foreclosure on this property? Man, that would suck since I hear renters on foreclosed property get virtually no notice to vacate.

And finally, the most disturbing new news, Chase, being the unbelievably huge douchebag they are is formally contesting my unemployment compensation claim. They contend I was fired for misconduct. Though this is technically not true, they will likely twist the ear of the state hearing officer who'll be calling me next week regarding this. And then my income will be cut off. What's more, they'll likely ask for repayment of the thousands they've paid me since November.

As Vinny, Mike "The Situation", or Snookie might say: "What da fuck, yo! Fuckin' stugats dey got sayin' dat 'bout you! Ah fungu ya freakin' jerkoffs!"